Lighten the Load
Abundance, presence, love.
For those who take more than their share, ask yourself what impact this has on others, and, more importantly, ask what impact this weight has on your soul—to collect all these things that will remain behind.
Nothing you have will come along for the ride except your deeds, intentions, and stories carved into your mind and spirit.
The mind goes with us to the next.
We may leave our bodies behind, but the programs of our mind will remain intact.
Ask yourself: if I were to die tomorrow, is this the mind I want to travel with?
This day, and every moment that follows, will be another opportunity to lighten the load, improving the chance of transcendence.
Time is a Trickster
Land the plane, aka the mind, on the page.
It wants to be in the skies, but it is down here where its services are required.
Tap in, but do not be seduced by its grandeur.
You come from there to here, so be here.
Acknowledge and respect the desire of your soul to experience that moment in time.
Time is a trickster. There is less of it than you know, and the spaceship is moving faster than you can imagine.
Respect the soul. It is the reason you are here.
This YOU is once in a lifetime. You will perhaps return once again, but the next journey will be or could be, with new companions.
So enjoy the ones who are journeying with you now.
The ones that were, the ones that are, and the ones still to come.
What Now? Versus What's Next?
“The journey begins here with whatever is capturing your attention.” —Radiant Sutras
The lake. The sounds of birds. Sounds of kids playing. The trees. The sounds of humans working their machines. But this last one is subtle.
Nature is capturing my attention. Softness, silence, solitude.
In this moment, it’s me, my writing, this pen, and this beautiful journal. So much love was poured into creating this journal. It’s taken me years to have the courage to inscribe my thoughts and reflections onto these pages.
Now is the moment to enter the beauty that I have felt unworthy of entering. It’s off limits. Or so I thought.
Now is the moment to enter the beauty with perceived barriers. Sacred. Quiet. Silence. Listening. Stillness.
Emotions want to encapture all, to flood my being with the sacredness of the divine essence of love. There’s a reaction—fear to this movement—an attempt to reject. Noise from news. Actions and procrastinations counter one another.
Return to the blank space. Be present with nothingness, with emptiness. Observe the yearning to consume, but be still in the yearning.
Pausing at the doorstep of beyond. Enter beauty with nothingness, emptiness. Enter with space so that the extraordinary may dance in your presence. Weave in and out of the space that is you.
Unattended, unattached. Leave the doors open. It is not yours to keep. You own nothing.
The beauty is only that in the presence of freedom. Its opposite leads to suffocation and drainage.
Possession is the death of beauty.
The Dark Never Travels Alone
Getting off track or maybe it's on track. Who fucking knows.
The stress of doomsday lives in my heart. I know it's a possibility but I also know that I can look out another window and sunshine is waiting to receive the gaze of my eyes. It's all perspective.
MANASIAH AKPALIAIPIK - Screaming Faces, 1991
Ask yourself, is it really gray outside? Is the future bleak? What data are you assessing that justifies a narrative that causes commotion in your heart? What's first, the emotions or the narrative? The feeling or the thought? It's hard to tell at times. It's that whole chicken and egg thing. What came first. It's so swift and fast, difficult to decipher the order of operations.
Sunshine is there. Darkness never travels alone. But it requires effort and awareness to change the direction of our lens, pointing the binoculars towards another horizon and suddenly you see the rainbow above.
This makes me reflect on the miracle of this moment. The sun. The sun shining down on this planet. I mean, how do we make sense of such a grand gesture from the divine? Names don't do it justice. It cannot be named, it can only be experienced with awareness, yet we will never experience the whole, simply bits and pieces when we take a moment to pause and remember.
Oof, what a trip of a fucking world we live in and I'm not talking about the world as in this planet, I'm referring to the little worlds we create within our minds and hold onto a pseudo truth, then we kill for this truth, we die for this truth.
Illusory certainty will be the death of humanity.
This brings a smile to my face. Fills my body with joy to remember. To look through another window.
Light. I can dwell in the dark.
She reminds me, we remind each other, there are other windows.
Unfulfilled Yearning
Three Americanos yesterday. I was buzzing and didn’t sleep till 1:30 a.m. I watched a few episodes of This Is Us, and it ignited some ancient emotions inside me.
A sadness, a longing for the family I haven’t yet had in this life.
I love the way the show moves between past and present. It inspires me to weave my own memories, to explore the threads of my own story.
I love that the desire to have a family has returned. I don’t think it ever really left. I just tucked it away, deep into unlocked drawers within me.
It’s something we all do with unfulfilled yearning. It’s too disruptive in day-to-day life to carry these longings openly, letting them sit on top of our hearts and minds. Some we save for another day, others we save for another life. And some yearnings rise back up from the depths of our soul to remind us that they need to be lived now, in this fleeting blip of a moment.
So I open myself to the desires that won’t wait for another day, for another life, and I pray for another chance. I pray for courage. Life has gifted me many chances, but I spent so much of this life moving through the world with a ball of confusion around my heart, clouding my mind and smothering my truth.
A fear birthed out of chaos. I chose what I feared less, which created an illusion of safety. An illusion that had no legs to carry me toward what I most yearned for, a yearning that couldn’t be saved for another day.
This longing reminds me that it will come with its own beautiful chaos—a love that I’m now ready for, as ready as one can be for something so grand.
It’s not that I’ve hardened my heart; rather, I’ve softened it. I’ve learned to embrace, endure, and appreciate the cracks that formed rivers from broken experiences.
Finca Mia Retreat Centre - Rivas, Costa Rica
Life Dreams, Wet Dreams
Sometimes, you just need to release the valve, in whatever way works best. I feel better, less erratic. But I know it's not the only reason I was feeling scattered. I’m consuming a lot of information, trying to make sense of the world we're in, and at the same time, I'm sorting through my emotions anticipating the current to come. It's another reason, but not the only one, for pouring media onto my mind.
It’s hard to predict the end of something so far in advance. But I'm grateful for the chance to grieve, and even more grateful for my awareness of what I’m grieving. It’s not easy to say goodbye. When you do, memories of gratitude rush to the surface, and the longing begins—sometimes more painful than the grieving itself. Maybe they’re both steps within a greater process called death.
I'm scared. There’s no other way to put it. One Chanel, the other Gap. One is wet dreams, the other ignites life dreams. I’m drawn to Ms. Gap—madam life dreams. That’s always been my dream: a partner, two kids, a life we build together. But my soul had other plans: healing homework for both the soul and the whole. I was a strange mix of "too nice" and rage, birthed from chaos and conditions both now and passed down from those before me.
I learned from the screen. It was in the room where I shined. If only I could make her emulate the sounds and expressions I absorbed with my ears and eyes. I’m a man of contingencies, always with a backup plan—or maybe a forward plan, depending on the moment. The skills of the tongue. I did well. Sometimes not so well—it depended on the sun and moon, the alignment of the planets out there and in here. I achieved a passing grade, a high C, and maybe even a B+ at times. I guess it depends on the student who came before me.
A grading system that only she controls: the teacher. Once upon a time, she was the wise one in our historical eyes. Today, she is underground, difficult to be found but if you listen, you can still hear her subtle sounds.
Where was I? Ah yes, wet dreams and life dreams. It's not that life dreams can't have the thrill of wet dreams, but if I had to choose, I’d choose the illusory "happily ever after."
I said nothing. The fear of the past tightens inside my heart, holding back the words that yearn to rise up the channel and dew-drop off my tongue.
Feeling scared. Scared of what? Rejection? Possibility? That what you want might actually come true? One dream at a time. Wait why not two dreams at a time?
Rewind.
What stopped you? She was literally in front of you.
Judgment. Judgment of who she was surrounded by, judgment of her likes. Judgments that make no sense, judgments meant to distract and deter you from the truth of that moment. All you wanted was to say hello, to start a conversation. She felt good. She felt calm inside my heart. Maybe she had a man, maybe not. Maybe she was a million things or a million different scenarios, but it didn’t matter because she felt like a potential life dream.
A 5-Month Update: Returning to Toronto, Navigating Love, and Embracing Change
The different humans I’ve crossed paths with have helped shift the lens through which I see the world. Born and raised in Toronto, knowing what it was and what it is now, I sometimes feel like a grumpy old guy. Words I wanted to say when I was young still want to slide off my tongue, but I hold back. I know things aren’t the same; like everything big and small, they change. Some aspects dissolve completely, and from that comes a process of rebirth. I see it. There’s a rebirth happening, and births are not meant to be painless because within the pain lie many lessons, preparing us for what’s on the other side.
This photo was taken six months ago. I’ll tell you in a moment why I saved it, but first, it’s been five months since I returned to Toronto. Four months ago, I signed my first one-year lease in three years. The mental transition has been tough, but I’ve finally found my flow. I have my friends and family, but I was missing community. Understandably, while I was living the nomadic life, everyone else’s life moved on.
I’m enjoying discovering new cafés, working on projects, working out, and practicing yoga. I’m spending time with my brother, nephew, niece, and friends and meeting new people. After two years, I’ve even started to date. At this age, I never thought I’d be here, but dating has been my biggest challenge to navigate.
Compared to dating and finding love, everything else in my life feels effortless, like a walk in the park.
I was going to share how difficult it’s been to find love, but that’s not true. What’s been difficult is receiving love. I’ve had opportunities to be in committed relationships, but my internal wiring was all crisscrossed. It’s taken me until now to feel psychologically and emotionally balanced and grounded.
I’ve been carrying around an unhealthy yearning to fill a void inside me. Yet, when opportunities for relationships came, I struggled to sustain them. Sometimes I chose wrong, too. Without diving too deep into that rabbit hole, I’ve come a long way in this daring process. To date is to be daring in this climate. It might sound odd, but I didn’t know how to date. I’m still learning, especially how to date in a healthy way—with openness, honesty, and emotional maturity.
I’m on one dating app, but I’ve also been going out and meeting women, rebuilding the courage and confidence to start conversations with strangers. This journey has been an education in openness and connection, and I’m grateful for every step.
I took this photo six months ago when I was in India. I went to the gym in my sister’s building to move the heaviness and clear up some of the darkness that was engulfing me. A combination of time to spare, algorithms, and changing a setting on Instagram led me to see the images coming out of Palestine. I began reading and seeing things that no human should ever have to witness, let alone experience. It teleported me into a darkness I hadn’t visited in ten years.
This darkness continued when I returned to Toronto. I struggled to reintegrate into this energy and accept the need to land here longer than I have in the last three years. Signing my first lease in three years triggered an anxiety attack. The weekdays were manageable, but the weekends—especially the long weekends—were filled with profound loneliness and sadness that pulled me back into the darkness. My piece Seductive Shadows came from this place.
It was dark, yes. Old narratives came rushing to the surface, and I must admit, it really fucking surprised me. But there was a big difference this time: I had the ability to watch, observe, and allow this internal drama to play out. I have tools to remain grounded and ride the waves of the darkest thoughts and emotions. The first four months felt like being back in the womb, and in the fifth month, I rebirthed with new energy, a fresh mind, an expansive heart, and a newfound excitement and optimism for life. I even rediscovered a love for Toronto (I know, hard to believe, right?!).
I know the darkness has its gifts, and I’ll embrace the waves when they return. But for now, oof, am I glad to be back on the surface, soaking in the sunshine.
What Will People Think?
Instagram may not be the perfect platform, but I can and will build up my business page. I’ve cultivated the courage to write and share extensively about my life. Dating alone is something I could dive deep into. My mind is looping, cycling through insecure thoughts, but that’s only because I’m being vulnerable in so many areas of my life.
A part of me creates stories—negative ones that have no data or logic. Even if these thoughts were true, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I’m showing up as my whole self, raw and vulnerable, across all parts of my life: in Ever Evolving, at Sychem, and in my personal life. I’m really putting myself out there, and sometimes, the emotional waves hit hard.
That voice—that one feeding you shitty thoughts, making up stories about people mocking or judging you—is the "what will people think" voice. It's woven deep into your being, but it's not you. It’s the voice of your parents, ancestors, and culture, all passed down through generations. It’s been ingrained into your psyche to keep you small, to stay quiet, not to be vulnerable or disrupt the status quo. It's there to stop you from being truly yourself, to block the freedom of exposing your authentic self to the world.
The Ideological "Isms"
The Story of the Concierge and the Realtor
He worked here for 12 years as the head concierge, always kind and gentle. He knew everyone in these two buildings, a combined 80 floors. Then, on October 7, everything changed. Within two weeks, he was fired for sharing a Facebook post about Palestine. I don't know exactly what he shared, but it led to immediate termination. One of the board members claimed they felt unsafe, and suddenly, a man who made everyone feel safe for over a decade was seen as a threat.
Meanwhile, a Realtor posted a photo of Gaza’s bombed buildings, mocking the dead with a caption that read, "Property for sale, but no water or electricity available." It was meant as a joke. He worked with Remax, and calls were made to have him barred from real estate. I’m unsure if he’s still working, but there was a strong outcry to get him suspended.
One person supported life and freedom, while the other mocked destruction. In my circles, most people, regardless of race, religion, or culture, don't support the violence on October 7, but we also don't support what happened before or after. This conflict has created a wedge between people who once lived peacefully together.
Recently, I was at a new café with friends, and we asked a staff member who the owner was. She hesitated before saying the name. The current tensions have created a climate where even owning a business can cause concern. Where the name of a person can result in loss of business. Where a social media share can mean a loss of one’s job.
This is where we are now—people getting fired, businesses worried about their owners' backgrounds and a city that feels less like the Toronto I grew up in. There is a deep sadness in this. I grew up with Jewish brothers and sisters whom I will always love. But the current state of Israel and Palestine has driven an even deeper wedge for two groups of people who share so much in common. Despite everything, I still have love in my heart. I feel no hate, only a deep sadness because I know there is another way. I’ve lived that other way and still do. Toxic ideologies on both sides have divided us.
I spend a lot of time listening to all sides because it’s important, even if I disagree with someone or think they’re being manipulative. Governments worldwide, not just in one country, are filled with people who prioritize their personal interests over the people they serve.
The message I hear today reminds me of what I heard as a child. Zionists seem to have a separate source of information, but this isn't unique to them. When I was younger, I didn’t understand the source of the Zionist narrative. I knew nothing about Zionism, just that certain topics were off-limits. On the Muslim side, I was an insider, many of my once very liberal, progressive family suddenly became more religious. I’m okay with different religious practices, but I resist when others try to impose their fanatical ideas on me.
It's also been interesting to learn how there are both Christian and Jewish Zionists, and being anti-Zionist is often equated with being anti-Jewish. This label is even applied to Jewish people who are anti-Zionist, more often called "self-hating Jews"—people like Gabor Maté, Norman Finkelstein, Naomi Klein, and others.
Over the last 10 months, like many people, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve always followed my feelings and used them as a compass for how I show up in the world. I don’t judge others because I understand what it’s like to have ideologies forced upon you. I’ve spent a lot of time deprogramming and making space for beliefs aligned with my spirit.
This brings me to the documentary Israelism Erin Axelman and Sam Eilertsen, another so-called "self-hating Jew." I think it’s important for everyone to watch, but I want to emphasize that harmful ideologies aren’t limited to one group. For example, Saudi Arabia government doesn’t represent Islam, just as Zionism doesn’t represent Judaism. If you watch this, I encourage you to reflect on the ideologies that have been instilled in you and how they might separate you from humanity, all beings, and this beautiful planet we’re blessed to engage with. These ideologies create barriers between us and having a more symbiotic relationship with our home, Earth.
There are many beautiful rituals and practices in all religions, but they are often overshadowed by toxic ideologies that act as a dam to the essence of these divine gifts.
If you’re wondering if you’re drowning in an ideology, reflect on your relationships with those who are "different" from you. How does your heart feel towards them? Is it unconditionally loving or filled with judgment? Also, examine your relationship with our planet. How do you treat her daily?
Ideologies disconnect us not only from others but also from ourselves. They divide and conquer, starting with the individual and spreading outward. Zionism and Wahhabism have created a wedge between Muslims and Jews, but I refuse to let any ideology change how I feel about my Jewish and Muslim brothers and sisters, many of whom I believe are disconnected from the divine essence within, from the moment they enter this world the programming of separation began.
My heart continues to open to all. I weep for the traumatized and the traumatizer because the traumatizer was once traumatized. We cannot find peace until we understand this cycle and start the healing process.
I have so much hope, but I’ll admit I’ve spent the last couple of months in darkness. This photo was from a few months ago, the first time in 10 years that my old friend depression visited me (or maybe I visited him). I’ve been in and out of it since returning to Toronto. It’s different this time because I can observe myself in this state. I also have many tools now and know how to navigate this darkness, recognizing the gifts it holds and how to bring myself back into the light.
I leave you with this to ponder, including my Christian brothers and sisters. They seem to be less involved, perhaps thinking this is an issue between Jews and Muslims. But why are Christian Zionists so adamant about protecting Israel, even to the point of silencing non-Zionist Jews? What exactly do they want? How do they benefit from this conflict and Middle Eastern instability? What does the genocide and displacement of the indigenous people of Latin America and North America have in common with the current situation in the Middle East?
This brings me to ask more questions: Who is in whose land? Who has infiltrated others' lands with military bases everywhere? Who is the terror, and who is terrorized? We must get crystal clear on this and acknowledge that our freedoms come at the expense of others, from Latin America to the Middle East to Africa. How did Zionists and Wahhabis infiltrate our minds? Like any business, they needed resources to expand—resources that both the Saudis and Israelis have.
I will pause now with this conflict. I want to learn more about other conflicts like the one in Sudan and also local issues in Canada because the truth is, we are not doing well. How could we when our resources, our tax dollars, and the illusion of freedom that we experience result from another's suffering? We are not well, and a band-aid won’t help because this illness has penetrated deep below the surface. Despite all my tools and strength to hold darkness, I have limits on how much I can consume. People from all sides are fighting this battle. As the courageous @plestia said, this is no longer just about Palestine; it’s a much greater fight.
Freedom for Palestine and its people is a stepping stone to freedom for all.
Here is a list of a few people I follow if you are interested:
Lex Friedman Podcast - Listen/Watch his interview with Iman Dr. Omar Suleiman
I also watch Al Jazeera, Zeteo and sometimes Israeli news channels, which I think is important in all conflicts, even when there isn’t one. Exposing ourselves to others’ views and beliefs allows us to find compassion and common ground, even when we vehemently disagree. Love has no boundaries. It costs nothing to give, and it’s a resource that never runs out, although some groups try to block it with ideologies.
This piece is a culmination of everything I’ve absorbed, not just in the last 10 months but over 47 years of swimming in this stew.
In the end, consume all the information you want, but the way to help is to go within—not to dissociate, but to cultivate a deeper connection with your heart and mind. Purify, create space, deprogram the viral ideologies, and we will meet on the other side.
Much love and peace to all.
Happy America Day: Reflecting on Freedom and Responsibility
Happy America Day! It is a dream for some and a nightmare for others.
Are our values and freedoms achieved at the expense of others' suffering? Can we genuinely attain happiness and peace if the answer to this question is yes? Can we choose to be conscious or unconscious of how our money, an extension of our energy, contributes to the suffering of others?
For the first time, are we collectively seeing? We have no choice but to be conscious of our collective unconsciousness.
Freedom
Does my freedom depend on others' suffering?
If my freedom comes from taking the liberty of others, can I indeed be free?
Are we less free or more free? We have freedom of speech (with rules attached) and freedom of movement, but what about the freedom within our minds and hearts?
We complain about our politicians and leaders and blame them, but if this is the furthest distance our voice travels, are we not failing and complicit? I am realizing that complaining about politicians is a waste of time. It does nothing to change the realities we live in.
We have been through many difficult times, but why does this feel different?
Are those in power not a reflection of you and me?
It's similar to the leaders we choose; they cause suffering to others with our money, and we continue to do nothing. It's so much easier to blame a select few, but it's more important to look at ourselves and make the tiniest changes in how we move through the world, think, feel, and love.
It's like our ancestors' gifts and traumas that were passed down consciously and unconsciously. Our ancestors may be long gone, but it is up to us in this present moment to make a choice, right their wrongs, and heal their wounds. Their wounds live within us. If we don't do it, we will pass it down to our children, and if they don't, then their children, and on and on, it goes until someone steps on the brakes.
Are we free across all layers within? To attain pure freedom requires tiny steps towards a full conscious awakening, an opening of our hearts, for a closed heart is no symbol or sign of freedom.
We have all been born into a life of separation and suppression, reinforced and normalized by our families and societies.
Most would see the conflicts today and suggest that the oppressed and displaced don't have freedom. True, they don't have physical freedom to move and be as they please, but they have freedom within their hearts. Although they continue to be traumatized, they even have freedoms within their minds. The oppressors have the illusion of freedom to move as they wish, but their hearts and minds are caged by an ideology that acts as a disguise to serve them.
World Social Forum 2024 Nepal
Whatever feelings you may have about these words, I invite you to take a moment—ideally many moments over many days, weeks, and years, as long as it takes—to reflect on freedom within all four layers of being. Is my body free? Is my mind free? Is my heart free? Is my soul free? What am I a slave to? We are all slaves to something.
What does freedom mean to you? Is your freedom at the expense of another's? Does it need to be this way?
The wars are a reflection of a more significant battle, a battle that lives within our hearts and minds. Don't underestimate the power of cultivating peace, balance, and healing within. The more of us that heal within, find balance, cultivate peace, and open our hearts to ourselves and others, the faster the external will heal. When we free ourselves from the enslavement of the system, we will free those who suffer as a result of us perpetuating the problem by not cutting the chains of capitalistic enslavement.
Don't close yourself off to what is happening out there. You can remain unconscious, but it will become conscious sooner or later—if not for you, then for your children or those yet to arrive. You don't have to complete the work, but we all need to start it.
It's an important day to reflect on freedom because America prides itself on being the land of the free, but at what cost? At whose expense?
Fighting for Freedom Within
The entity without is the same entity within. We can go outside and fight against the injustices in our world, but the injustices also live inside of us. Learn how to bring justice within your own heart, then you can teach, guide, and inspire others to do the same.
What will life be like when we experience justice within our hearts? Are we working to rid ourselves of this entity or looking to heal and become one with it? To work together. How do these seemingly opposing energies inside of us come together? Balance.
If we look at the conflicts of the present moment, they will only attain peace and complete freedom once they come together. Both sides have something to bring to the table. Is this true? Who benefits from this conflict? How are we contributing to those benefactors? What steps do we need to take to take back that which is most precious?
As we celebrate America Day, it's crucial to reflect on what freedom truly means. True freedom is not just about physical movement or speech; it's about freeing our minds and hearts from the chains of ignorance, prejudice, and complacency. Our collective responsibility is to heal our internal wounds, recognize our complicity in societal injustices, and make conscious choices that promote equality and compassion. Only then can we hope to achieve genuine freedom for ourselves and others. This journey begins within, and by taking small steps towards inner peace and balance, we can create a ripple effect that transforms the world around us. Let us strive for a freedom that uplifts everyone, not just a privileged few.
Tearless Cries
I'm beginning to understand that emotional maturity and emotional expression are different things. We can articulate our feelings and still behave immaturely. In my writing, I’m projecting my journey towards greater emotional maturity. I’m learning to express and communicate my emotions better. If I'm happy, I can express it; if I'm angry, I can communicate that too. Now, I can even communicate sadness.
Before, I would suppress sadness with food, drinks, or media. Now, I recognize sadness and feel where it resides in my body. However, I don't know how to release it. Yesterday, I explored this: What happens if I don’t release my sadness? It fills my body with heaviness. This unreleased sadness often leads to despair and sometimes to a depressive state. For a long time, it has taken me there, except for a couple of months ago in India. I know that when I feel heavy inside, movement helps, especially lifting weights. Twenty to thirty minutes at the gym lifts my spirits. I think it’s the combination of movement and the release of endorphins.
Identifying emotions and communicating them to myself and others is a step toward further emotional maturity. But I’m still blocked when it comes to releasing sadness. Somewhere along the path, I suppressed this emotion. Over the years, I've learned that when we suppress one part of ourselves, like sadness, we also suppress its opposite—joy. If I can’t express and release sadness, I can't fully experience happiness and joy.
From the streets of Valencia
I've felt this deeply. There have been times and places, like recently in Valencia, where I could fully express both sadness and joy. Here in Toronto, it's a bit more challenging, but I’m working on it. I am better today than I was a year ago—more emotionally evolved. This means I don’t react to others' actions that trigger past pain. Instead, I can feel the emotion, observe its rise and fall like ocean waves.
These reflections have surfaced as I open myself to dating again and seeking a dynamic, expansive life partner. Someone who understands the layers of being, who has an insatiable curiosity about herself, others, and the world. Someone proactive in her day-to-day life, moving forward and upward.
Observing other couples, I realize there's no one-size-fits-all solution. Advice is based on individual experiences, and every piece of wisdom is unique. I listen, observe, and learn. I admire those who sustain long-term relationships. It’s never easy, yet some couples find a way to return to each other. It’s inspiring. I see that with the right partner, there’s an opportunity for greater freedom than I’m experiencing now.
However, I needed to release the patterns I absorbed as a child. Growing up in a traumatic household, we may intellectually reject it, but our minds are already programmed. We may not want what we experienced in childhood, but we’re drawn to the familiar. I replicated my parents' toxic patterns in my relationships. It took a lot of therapy, coaching, reading, and practices like yoga and meditation to deprogram and start reprogramming myself.
From my last relationship, I realized I was as emotionally immature as my parents and attracted similarly immature partners. Mature partners didn’t work because I wasn’t ready for them. I wasn’t even attracted to them because their energy was unfamiliar to me.
I am getting closer. All this work isn’t just to be more successful in my career or a better friend, sibling, or son. I do it because I’m preparing for her. It’s hard at times, but I know it will be worth the wait when she arrives in my life, and I in hers.
I recently listened to an interview with Esther Perel where she talked about “tearless cries.” This perfectly describes my experience with sadness. Most of the time, I wish I could cry and truly release my emotions through tears. Instead, I either suppress them or try to shake them out through physical activity. But what I really want is an epic, tearful cry.
Living with an Open Broken Heart
I once heard a wise woman say that Buddhists live with an open broken heart. That sentiment stayed with me, and it’s what I strive for most today. My first test came unexpectedly, like a punch in the gut followed by an aching heart. Love takes many forms, but one thing they all have in common is that it hurts when it leaves.
I’ve realized I have anxiety about people leaving. It wasn’t something I considered until my ex pointed it out. My anxiety stems from the fact that the people I loved, and who should have loved me—who do love me—have left. Sometimes, they’ve left multiple times.
After my first love didn’t work out, I shut my heart completely. But the truth is, there wasn’t much effort needed in locking it up because I had already kept most of it on lockdown. Occasionally, I’d open it to take a peek at what could be, but mostly it was closed. It was a defence mechanism, a result of broken trust.
Whether rational or not, in my mind, trust had been broken. I didn’t feel like I mattered, so people would leave or make decisions that didn’t consider me. That’s been my reality, perhaps even since birth.
Today, though, I kept a promise I made to myself back in the summer of 2014. I committed to living with an open broken heart. I know it hurts right now, but I also know it’s the same pain that’s opening my heart a little wider. It’s the same pain that increases my capacity to love. It’s a pain that reminds me I’m starting to feel again.
Why people come into our lives is a mystery. But when you live from this place of openness, it’s a mystery worth exploring—and staying open to—now and forever.
I’ve come to realize that my journey in this lifetime, my greatest challenge, is to love and to be loved. Compared to that, everything else feels like a walk in the park.
I don’t know how this story ends, but one thing is certain: sadness is just a step closer to happiness.
To be continued...
Watching Over Everything...
I observe and search for my place in this world—or even just this city I call home. Born and raised in Toronto, I’ve had an abundance of friends, yet at one point or another, we drift apart. No path is better or worse than the other; each is just different, played out by the choices we make—or more so, by the choices we don’t. I dance between moments spent in the company of others and those filled with the company of myself, thinking, dreaming, and brainstorming about the next possible steps forward (or, in some cases, backward).
Where will I go from here? So many times in my life, I could have stopped and set up a permanent camp. I’ve lived enough. No need for more experiences and growth. But something always pulls me forward, compelling me to keep climbing Maslow’s ladder. It’s a challenge because I also yearn, almost daily, for a loving partner in my life. Perhaps I need someone who’s willing to live a similar journey, to walk a parallel path with me. A partner with a pull of her own, someone who moves forward when the lessons of the present have been learned.
I dream big—of travelling the world, working from every corner, and impacting everyone I meet with my words, my labor, my hugs, and my energy. I want to lift and inspire others to explore their authenticity, to share their light—because it’s their birthright. I have dreams of having a greater impact on this world, and what better time to do it than now, in a world so interconnected? The impact you and I can have by sharing our light is enormous. I don’t know exactly how it got to this point, but I know we have the ability to stop, restart, and begin fresh today. We have it in us.
Each person who can take a moment to drop into the present has the power to stop, restart, and begin again. We control the volume of the impact we want to make in this world.
Right now, individuals from all corners of this Earth are turning up their volume. It’s happening.
Open your heart. Close your eyes and listen to your heartbeat. Imagine holding a key—a key that unlocks a lock, releasing chains from gigantic doors, the kind you’d find at the entrance of a castle. Picture the chains falling, the doors swinging wide open, and your light shining through. Imagine that light swirling around you, wrapping around your body, filling the room you’re in. Share it with those you love. And then share it with those you don’t. Silently. You don’t have to say anything; you don’t even have to see them. Just hold them in your thoughts, imagining sharing this heart-open energy with them.
Those you think are least deserving of your love are the ones who need it the most. I’ll say that again because it’s essential if humanity is going to collectively evolve. I know it’s hard to love those you don’t connect with or those who’ve hurt you, but doing so will have a profound impact on you, those around you, and inevitably, the world.
To change the world, remember: those you think are least deserving of your love need it the most.
Open the door. I dare you.
“Where a few great minds once acted, now the entire human race must struggle to save our world from the dangers of its own excess.”
While the world may seem chaotic, it’s merely a sign of the next chapter. We consume all this negativity and then wonder what happened. We base our perception of the world on messages projected from a square box. We ask why there’s so much hatred and violence, but it’s like eating fast food three times a day and then asking, “Why am I so unhealthy? Why did I have a heart attack?” We are all participants in the cycles of negativity and responsible for every act of violence. We mindlessly consume information from the outside and allow it to dictate how we show up in the world. It’s time to let the external world reflect each individual’s authentic internal self.
We fixate on the Saints and Prophets of the past and look to the future with the hope of better times, but in doing so, we ignore the human potential of the present. We turn a blind eye to our own abilities and power. We all have it. We all know and feel it—that deeper, underlying uneasiness, a sense that there’s something greater. If we simply open our eyes fully, we’ll see that an internal evolution is happening. No longer will there be just a handful of Saints and Prophets, but an endless number.
Stop looking outward and turn your gaze inward. That’s where all the answers lie. Expanded consciousness and awareness reside within, just waiting—waiting for you to pay the tiniest bit of attention so they can soar. Crack open that internal door. I dare you.
Magnetic love
The pursuit of love remains the most challenging part of my life. Why can't I attain it? Why can't I find it? I'm working so hard toward it. Am I not doing enough? Am I a coward? Am I not open enough? Do I need to be braver? Do I need to get out more? I don't know where to go, and although I can go out and travel on my own, I am tired.
I was ecstatic to find her, to be open enough to receive her, but she wasn’t ready. She doesn't see the possibilities I see. She doesn't understand why she feels what she does. It makes me sad, but I can't stop. I can't give up hope. I can't close my heart. It needs to stay open more than ever. I am close. I feel her. She is near.
The question "What the fuck?" continues to enter my mind. It sits alongside hope in the passenger seat. Fortunately, hope is driving. It's frustrating, but what’s a man to do? I am myself, and I have so much love to give. I have done and continue to do the deep work. I feel that the deeper I go, the more challenging it is to find her at times. She is not your average woman. She is powerful, beautiful, and evolved beyond my imagination.
What should I do? Where should I go? Is there something I've done wrong? These are questions that sit behind hope. They roll around in the back seat. Thankfully, hope is driving.
I have a new theory I will test. I have so much love to give that I need to distribute it by channeling it into more creative projects. I need to put my love into dance again. I need to sing. I need to listen to music. I need to paint and continue to pour my heart out in my writing. I need to love the amazing family and friends in my life today. I need to share my heart, my love, because it is too much for one human to handle.
It's time for more laughter, more dance, and more play in my life. I love the dance between the internal and external as I cleanse the energy lines from the root to the top of the tree. I am learning to live with an open, broken heart. I have so much love to share with her when she arrives. I need to maintain the dance between persistence and patience, between bravery and humility. I need to settle for nothing less than that soulful connection.
We are nervous, we are scared, and most skate on the surface. But if we give deep discovery the time it requires, if we dig a little deeper and explore the seven lines of energetic points first within ourselves, then with the person across from us, we are bound to find that love. It feels like two of the most powerful magnets pulling together. It takes an abundance of energy to split apart. Deep down you know. When you find it, life will reach heights that are unimaginable from where you currently stand.
This is not the time to settle for anything less. This is the time to ask and stay open for what cannot be articulated with words. It can only be felt through emotions that reside within the soul and are communicated through the heart. The mind has no say. Logic is irrelevant. Keep rational thoughts out of this. There are no algorithms to measure this connection, this love.
Many of us are so closed, like robots walking aimlessly, attempting to connect through lists generated within our minds—either on our own or based on the expectations of our tribe and society. Put away those formulas; they are useless if real love, real connection, and genuine happiness are what you seek. Open your heart. Living with a closed heart is the same as being six feet under.
What's the point? Open up, baby. Let's play, let's dance, let's love.
I imagine her in my life. I imagine walking behind her and wrapping my arms around her waist, moving her hair to one side, kissing her cheek, and then softly kissing her neck. I turn her around, look into her eyes as our bodies exchange energies, spirits lifting each other. I softly kiss her beautiful lips. I am in search of love that cannot be articulated with words.
Woodbine beach. I see that which I yearn.
Conscious Mediocrity - The struggles of asking for what I truly want
Over the past year, I've dedicated myself to understanding what I don't want. I've learned to listen to my heart and soul, trust my intuition, and not feel guilty about saying no. Now, I've realized it's time to learn how to ask for what I want. I'm not entirely sure what this process entails, but I know it will require courage and clear communication.
Initially, I thought I needed a course in communication. However, as I write this, I realize that my challenge isn't in communicating others' needs but in expressing my own. The question is, why? The simple answer is fear of rejection. This explanation might have sufficed a year ago, but I believe there's more to it.
Growing up, my needs were often overshadowed by those of others. When I voiced my desires, I was met with scolding, dismissal, or a flat "no" without explanation. On the rare occasions I did get what I wanted, it took a lot of hard work and emotional turmoil. Can these childhood experiences affect us as adults? I believe they can.
Recently, a friend recommended I listen to an interview between Robert Augustus Masters and Tami Simon on her podcast, "Sounds True: Insights at the Edge," discussing True Masculine Power. Intrigued, I picked up his book, "To Be a Man: A Guide to True Masculine Power." Masters emphasizes connecting the dots between our past and present. He suggests that our default behaviours during difficult times as children often become our go-to actions in similar situations as adults.
We often justify our behaviours by saying, "This is just how I am." Compounding this difficulty, those close to us tend to reinforce these beliefs. However, many of our habits and self-perceptions are shaped by our upbringing, not our innate nature. My struggle to ask for what I want isn't embedded in my DNA; it's the result of my experiences.
I've been afraid to pursue my desires, both big and small. The numerous "no's" I received as a child makes me hesitate to ask for what truly excites me, fearing disappointment. I have no problem asking for something when I can frame it as being in others' best interests. I'm adept at convincing both myself and others that it's beneficial, reducing the risk of rejection. When I do get rejected, it doesn't hurt as much because it wasn't something I deeply wanted anyway. I call this "conscious mediocrity."
It only stings when I ask for something that truly lights me up because expressing what aligns with my heart and soul puts me in my most vulnerable state.
Me and Jonathan Fields in Costa Rica at his Goodlife Project Retreat. This retreat and program elevated my life beyond mediocrity.