I Want to Kiss
In this moment, I will not be taking anything.
Just me, this page, a matcha latte.
I feel the energy moving in my heart space, the center of my chest. My tongue is pressed against the top of my mouth, the tip of my tongue pressed behind the back of my two front teeth.
Energy flowing in my throat, a cooling sensation that is moving upward, dripping onto my tongue, wanting to pour out. I want to kiss. I miss kissing. My favourite pastime.
A lover comes to mind.
No one to kiss in this moment.
How else can I express this love yearning to pour out? What if I never meet someone?
What would I do with this energy and love?
How can I express it and share it other than making love to a woman?
Why would I even contemplate this?
It’s not an either-or; it’s about everything.
The Earth below and the Universe above.
Meeting within the centre of my vessel.
Speechless Love
The ability to elevate and motivate one another without words.
She gave him strength, while he gave her breadth.
An open heart does wonders. He is beginning to feel again.
He imagines what it would be like to hold her, to feel her energy.
There’s such a difference between pure love and pure sexuality.
Sex without love can be good.
But sex filled with an abundance of love—where heart, soul, and mind are fully present—is out of this world.
Quivering lips. Exponentially better.
For the first time, he thought about loving someone the way he loved her.
The heart takes time to heal, especially when it’s been closed off.
When we stop letting the light in or letting it out, there’s only darkness.
Always stay open. Wide open. Heart open.
Living with an Open Broken Heart
I once heard a wise woman say that Buddhists live with an open broken heart. That sentiment stayed with me, and it’s what I strive for most today. My first test came unexpectedly, like a punch in the gut followed by an aching heart. Love takes many forms, but one thing they all have in common is that it hurts when it leaves.
I’ve realized I have anxiety about people leaving. It wasn’t something I considered until my ex pointed it out. My anxiety stems from the fact that the people I loved, and who should have loved me—who do love me—have left. Sometimes, they’ve left multiple times.
After my first love didn’t work out, I shut my heart completely. But the truth is, there wasn’t much effort needed in locking it up because I had already kept most of it on lockdown. Occasionally, I’d open it to take a peek at what could be, but mostly it was closed. It was a defence mechanism, a result of broken trust.
Whether rational or not, in my mind, trust had been broken. I didn’t feel like I mattered, so people would leave or make decisions that didn’t consider me. That’s been my reality, perhaps even since birth.
Today, though, I kept a promise I made to myself back in the summer of 2014. I committed to living with an open broken heart. I know it hurts right now, but I also know it’s the same pain that’s opening my heart a little wider. It’s the same pain that increases my capacity to love. It’s a pain that reminds me I’m starting to feel again.
Why people come into our lives is a mystery. But when you live from this place of openness, it’s a mystery worth exploring—and staying open to—now and forever.
I’ve come to realize that my journey in this lifetime, my greatest challenge, is to love and to be loved. Compared to that, everything else feels like a walk in the park.
I don’t know how this story ends, but one thing is certain: sadness is just a step closer to happiness.
To be continued...
The Sun that Never Sets
What do I do with this open heart? How do I keep it open, and how do I show up in the world now with this current state of being?
I want to show up the same in all areas of my life, with an abundance of love—in business, with friends, and with family.
To keep her in my heart, holding on to that feeling. My memories of her may fade, but I hope the feeling remains.
I want to hold on to both—the memories and the feeling—long enough for her to arrive fully into my arms. To walk into the world with this feeling as if she were already mine not just for one night, but for eternity.
She is with me, by my side, supporting me through every adventure I step into. She is the sun that never sets, always there, embracing me through the good and the bad. She loves all of me.
I look forward to the possibility of grey turning into black and white.
