Be With Her

Be with someone who makes your heart change its rhythmic state.

Be with someone who disrupts your insides—not so much that you lose yourself, but the right amount of disruption that ignites new parts of you.

Be with someone who makes you feel, activates your heart—someone you are excited to see at the end of the day.

Release the naysayers, the narratives and internal dialogue of the others, of those who know nothing about you, by those who don’t even know themselves.

Be with the one that… you don’t even need to write anymore. If she activates your heart, be with her.

Be with this feeling right now. Hold onto this. It’s a gift from her to you.

Be with the one who has the potential to break your heart.

Be with the one who reminds you of your existence and why you came here in the first place.

Be with her.

I Want to Kiss

In this moment, I will not be taking anything.

Just me, this page, a matcha latte.

I feel the energy moving in my heart space, the center of my chest. My tongue is pressed against the top of my mouth, the tip of my tongue pressed behind the back of my two front teeth.

Energy flowing in my throat, a cooling sensation that is moving upward, dripping onto my tongue, wanting to pour out. I want to kiss. I miss kissing. My favourite pastime.

A lover comes to mind.

No one to kiss in this moment.

How else can I express this love yearning to pour out? What if I never meet someone?

What would I do with this energy and love?

How can I express it and share it other than making love to a woman?

Why would I even contemplate this?

It’s not an either-or; it’s about everything.

The Earth below and the Universe above.

Meeting within the centre of my vessel.

Life Dreams, Wet Dreams

Sometimes, you just need to release the valve, in whatever way works best. I feel better, less erratic. But I know it's not the only reason I was feeling scattered. I’m consuming a lot of information, trying to make sense of the world we're in, and at the same time, I'm sorting through my emotions anticipating the current to come. It's another reason, but not the only one, for pouring media onto my mind.

It’s hard to predict the end of something so far in advance. But I'm grateful for the chance to grieve, and even more grateful for my awareness of what I’m grieving. It’s not easy to say goodbye. When you do, memories of gratitude rush to the surface, and the longing begins—sometimes more painful than the grieving itself. Maybe they’re both steps within a greater process called death.

I'm scared. There’s no other way to put it. One Chanel, the other Gap. One is wet dreams, the other ignites life dreams. I’m drawn to Ms. Gap—madam life dreams. That’s always been my dream: a partner, two kids, a life we build together. But my soul had other plans: healing homework for both the soul and the whole. I was a strange mix of "too nice" and rage, birthed from chaos and conditions both now and passed down from those before me.

I learned from the screen. It was in the room where I shined. If only I could make her emulate the sounds and expressions I absorbed with my ears and eyes. I’m a man of contingencies, always with a backup plan—or maybe a forward plan, depending on the moment. The skills of the tongue. I did well. Sometimes not so well—it depended on the sun and moon, the alignment of the planets out there and in here. I achieved a passing grade, a high C, and maybe even a B+ at times. I guess it depends on the student who came before me.

A grading system that only she controls: the teacher. Once upon a time, she was the wise one in our historical eyes. Today, she is underground, difficult to be found but if you listen, you can still hear her subtle sounds.

Where was I? Ah yes, wet dreams and life dreams. It's not that life dreams can't have the thrill of wet dreams, but if I had to choose, I’d choose the illusory "happily ever after."

I said nothing. The fear of the past tightens inside my heart, holding back the words that yearn to rise up the channel and dew-drop off my tongue.

Feeling scared. Scared of what? Rejection? Possibility? That what you want might actually come true? One dream at a time. Wait why not two dreams at a time?

Rewind.

What stopped you? She was literally in front of you.

Judgment. Judgment of who she was surrounded by, judgment of her likes. Judgments that make no sense, judgments meant to distract and deter you from the truth of that moment. All you wanted was to say hello, to start a conversation. She felt good. She felt calm inside my heart. Maybe she had a man, maybe not. Maybe she was a million things or a million different scenarios, but it didn’t matter because she felt like a potential life dream.

A 5-Month Update: Returning to Toronto, Navigating Love, and Embracing Change

The different humans I’ve crossed paths with have helped shift the lens through which I see the world. Born and raised in Toronto, knowing what it was and what it is now, I sometimes feel like a grumpy old guy. Words I wanted to say when I was young still want to slide off my tongue, but I hold back. I know things aren’t the same; like everything big and small, they change. Some aspects dissolve completely, and from that comes a process of rebirth. I see it. There’s a rebirth happening, and births are not meant to be painless because within the pain lie many lessons, preparing us for what’s on the other side.

This photo was taken six months ago. I’ll tell you in a moment why I saved it, but first, it’s been five months since I returned to Toronto. Four months ago, I signed my first one-year lease in three years. The mental transition has been tough, but I’ve finally found my flow. I have my friends and family, but I was missing community. Understandably, while I was living the nomadic life, everyone else’s life moved on.

I’m enjoying discovering new cafés, working on projects, working out, and practicing yoga. I’m spending time with my brother, nephew, niece, and friends and meeting new people. After two years, I’ve even started to date. At this age, I never thought I’d be here, but dating has been my biggest challenge to navigate.

Compared to dating and finding love, everything else in my life feels effortless, like a walk in the park.

I was going to share how difficult it’s been to find love, but that’s not true. What’s been difficult is receiving love. I’ve had opportunities to be in committed relationships, but my internal wiring was all crisscrossed. It’s taken me until now to feel psychologically and emotionally balanced and grounded.

I’ve been carrying around an unhealthy yearning to fill a void inside me. Yet, when opportunities for relationships came, I struggled to sustain them. Sometimes I chose wrong, too. Without diving too deep into that rabbit hole, I’ve come a long way in this daring process. To date is to be daring in this climate. It might sound odd, but I didn’t know how to date. I’m still learning, especially how to date in a healthy way—with openness, honesty, and emotional maturity.

I’m on one dating app, but I’ve also been going out and meeting women, rebuilding the courage and confidence to start conversations with strangers. This journey has been an education in openness and connection, and I’m grateful for every step.

I took this photo six months ago when I was in India. I went to the gym in my sister’s building to move the heaviness and clear up some of the darkness that was engulfing me. A combination of time to spare, algorithms, and changing a setting on Instagram led me to see the images coming out of Palestine. I began reading and seeing things that no human should ever have to witness, let alone experience. It teleported me into a darkness I hadn’t visited in ten years.

This darkness continued when I returned to Toronto. I struggled to reintegrate into this energy and accept the need to land here longer than I have in the last three years. Signing my first lease in three years triggered an anxiety attack. The weekdays were manageable, but the weekends—especially the long weekends—were filled with profound loneliness and sadness that pulled me back into the darkness. My piece Seductive Shadows came from this place.

It was dark, yes. Old narratives came rushing to the surface, and I must admit, it really fucking surprised me. But there was a big difference this time: I had the ability to watch, observe, and allow this internal drama to play out. I have tools to remain grounded and ride the waves of the darkest thoughts and emotions. The first four months felt like being back in the womb, and in the fifth month, I rebirthed with new energy, a fresh mind, an expansive heart, and a newfound excitement and optimism for life. I even rediscovered a love for Toronto (I know, hard to believe, right?!).

I know the darkness has its gifts, and I’ll embrace the waves when they return. But for now, oof, am I glad to be back on the surface, soaking in the sunshine.

Speechless Love

The ability to elevate and motivate one another without words.

She gave him strength, while he gave her breadth.

An open heart does wonders. He is beginning to feel again.

He imagines what it would be like to hold her, to feel her energy.

There’s such a difference between pure love and pure sexuality.

Sex without love can be good.

But sex filled with an abundance of love—where heart, soul, and mind are fully present—is out of this world.

Quivering lips. Exponentially better.

For the first time, he thought about loving someone the way he loved her.

The heart takes time to heal, especially when it’s been closed off.

When we stop letting the light in or letting it out, there’s only darkness.

Always stay open. Wide open. Heart open.

Living with an Open Broken Heart

I once heard a wise woman say that Buddhists live with an open broken heart. That sentiment stayed with me, and it’s what I strive for most today. My first test came unexpectedly, like a punch in the gut followed by an aching heart. Love takes many forms, but one thing they all have in common is that it hurts when it leaves.

I’ve realized I have anxiety about people leaving. It wasn’t something I considered until my ex pointed it out. My anxiety stems from the fact that the people I loved, and who should have loved me—who do love me—have left. Sometimes, they’ve left multiple times.

After my first love didn’t work out, I shut my heart completely. But the truth is, there wasn’t much effort needed in locking it up because I had already kept most of it on lockdown. Occasionally, I’d open it to take a peek at what could be, but mostly it was closed. It was a defence mechanism, a result of broken trust.

Whether rational or not, in my mind, trust had been broken. I didn’t feel like I mattered, so people would leave or make decisions that didn’t consider me. That’s been my reality, perhaps even since birth.

Today, though, I kept a promise I made to myself back in the summer of 2014. I committed to living with an open broken heart. I know it hurts right now, but I also know it’s the same pain that’s opening my heart a little wider. It’s the same pain that increases my capacity to love. It’s a pain that reminds me I’m starting to feel again.

Why people come into our lives is a mystery. But when you live from this place of openness, it’s a mystery worth exploring—and staying open to—now and forever.

I’ve come to realize that my journey in this lifetime, my greatest challenge, is to love and to be loved. Compared to that, everything else feels like a walk in the park.

I don’t know how this story ends, but one thing is certain: sadness is just a step closer to happiness.

To be continued...

Her Colours

She expresses herself in so many ways, but it’s her non-verbal communication that truly captures me. Her eyes, her smile, and her energy embrace me in such a way that I can’t help but go in for a big hug. She supports me with just a single glance. She’s had my back since day one.

As I write down why I came here—why I spent all this money, travelled thousands of miles to this beautiful land, to stand in a room full of strangers, surrounded by glass walls with views of beauty, trees, sunset, and the sound of birds—I realize there was only one reason. When I wrote it on the large blank white page on the wall, I scribbled as small and faintly as I could, so no one would see, not even me. It wasn’t a conscious choice; I didn’t notice what I’d done until I turned around to look at the other thirty-five people. From halfway across the room, I could read what they wrote, but my own writing? Barely legible.

Costa Rica - Pura Vida Retreat Centre - Goodlife Project Immersion Program 2014

It was a tiny, faint green scribble. I didn’t want any of these strangers to know why I was there. How profound it was to see what my deep internal self had revealed. I’d always felt it, but seeing it written down in this way was like a slap in the face—like someone throwing a bucket of cold water over me. A wake-up call.

I let out a nervous laugh and smiled, the way I always do when I feel uncomfortable. I looked to my left, and there she was, standing beside me, looking up with those big blue eyes, her beautiful head of red curls glowing with perfection, and a beaming smile that said, "I support you. I’ve got you."

That was the moment my journey into the next phase of my life began—a journey where I would finally express my own colours fully and start supporting others the way she supported me.

Watching Over Everything...

I observe and search for my place in this world—or even just this city I call home. Born and raised in Toronto, I’ve had an abundance of friends, yet at one point or another, we drift apart. No path is better or worse than the other; each is just different, played out by the choices we make—or more so, by the choices we don’t. I dance between moments spent in the company of others and those filled with the company of myself, thinking, dreaming, and brainstorming about the next possible steps forward (or, in some cases, backward).

Where will I go from here? So many times in my life, I could have stopped and set up a permanent camp. I’ve lived enough. No need for more experiences and growth. But something always pulls me forward, compelling me to keep climbing Maslow’s ladder. It’s a challenge because I also yearn, almost daily, for a loving partner in my life. Perhaps I need someone who’s willing to live a similar journey, to walk a parallel path with me. A partner with a pull of her own, someone who moves forward when the lessons of the present have been learned.

I dream big—of travelling the world, working from every corner, and impacting everyone I meet with my words, my labor, my hugs, and my energy. I want to lift and inspire others to explore their authenticity, to share their light—because it’s their birthright. I have dreams of having a greater impact on this world, and what better time to do it than now, in a world so interconnected? The impact you and I can have by sharing our light is enormous. I don’t know exactly how it got to this point, but I know we have the ability to stop, restart, and begin fresh today. We have it in us.

Each person who can take a moment to drop into the present has the power to stop, restart, and begin again. We control the volume of the impact we want to make in this world.

Right now, individuals from all corners of this Earth are turning up their volume. It’s happening.

Open your heart. Close your eyes and listen to your heartbeat. Imagine holding a key—a key that unlocks a lock, releasing chains from gigantic doors, the kind you’d find at the entrance of a castle. Picture the chains falling, the doors swinging wide open, and your light shining through. Imagine that light swirling around you, wrapping around your body, filling the room you’re in. Share it with those you love. And then share it with those you don’t. Silently. You don’t have to say anything; you don’t even have to see them. Just hold them in your thoughts, imagining sharing this heart-open energy with them.

Those you think are least deserving of your love are the ones who need it the most. I’ll say that again because it’s essential if humanity is going to collectively evolve. I know it’s hard to love those you don’t connect with or those who’ve hurt you, but doing so will have a profound impact on you, those around you, and inevitably, the world.

To change the world, remember: those you think are least deserving of your love need it the most.

Crossroads

I feel something stuck inside of me, an uneasiness in my stomach. I'm not sure if it's mine, hers, or both. She’s going back today. It’s one thing to know what we want and develop courage outside the environment where challenges exist, but it’s another to go back into that environment—into the trenches—and execute the plan, the change we desire. Disconnecting is hard because hearts are broken, and relationships are impacted. That’s why so few do it. We don’t want to get uncomfortable, and we don’t want to hurt others. It’s so fucking hard.

We’re raised a certain way, through the lens of others for most of our lives. When we can no longer live with that queasy, uneasy feeling, we come to a crossroads. Do we maintain the status quo for the sake of others, or do we destroy everything to save ourselves? To reach out and pull ourselves out of the quicksand before it completely engulfs us to the point of no return. What we don’t realize is that if we don’t save ourselves in this lifetime, the next one will be a rerun of the one that preceded it.

So, would you want to live the life you’re living today—the life of suppressing yourself—if you knew that the next life would be exactly the same unless you reach out that hand and rescue yourself?

Hell, to me, is repeating a life lived unauthentically, living for others at the sacrifice of our own self. The biggest misconception is that focusing on the self is selfish, that we should help others and place their needs above our own. But our capacity to love and help others is limited by our capacity to love and help ourselves. We can’t fill others' tanks while ours is on empty.

I feel better after getting this out. I think I’ll type it to her. It will be the last journal entry she receives before her flight. Is it possible that I already love her? Is it possible that all these random little moments connected us? If someone is guiding and helping me, thank you. Thank you for the guidance, for the little nudge in the right direction. So many mini crossroads, and fortunately, I was encouraged to flow in the direction of this woman who captures my heart.