Layers
So many layers.
It’s not about any one particular person, so don’t get attached to the physical form. It’s about the energy, the essence of the being—the parts that can’t be seen but are deeply felt. Keep your attention on how it feels within the layers, both vertical and horizontal. We are layered in both directions.
Even when we look into the mirror, we tend to focus on the physical structure, the vessel we’ve chosen to embody. But what about the essence? The unseen? The felt?
This always brings me back to the heart. To its opening. To the practice of keeping it open—daily, moment to moment.
In a city like this, where rivers are covered and dammed with concrete, we become its reflection. Humans are masters of adaptation, consciously or not.
So what is the energy in this particular dynamic? It’s repeating again. What do I want to leave behind? Is there anything I want to carry into the next cycle?
I don’t know the answer yet. And I won’t find it in my head. I need to feel it in my heart. I need patience. The language will come on its own.
I’m still learning how to translate feeling into palabras. There are traits in this dynamic I appreciate, and others I’ll leave behind before the next roundabout.
Maybe, if I can learn the final lessons this karmic cycle holds, I’ll complete the homework. And then, I might be ready to step fully into the next cycle of this incarnation.
I AM
I AM, I AM, I AM.
This is what's in my mind, but I still don't know exactly what it means. There are many meditations around I AM. I'm open to understanding, but if somebody asked me about it, I wouldn't know what to say. Maybe when I say I AM, I'm saying that I am everything, or maybe it's just that I AM as you see me in this present moment. I'm simply just AM. There is nothing more, there is nothing less. I’m nothing more and nothing less than what you see right now.
I simply AM.
This brings me to presence. To be present. A part of my mind is wondering what we are going to do after this, even though it knows the routine. It knows we’ll use the washroom, shower, get ready, eat some food, and head to a cafe.
But it wonders and wanders.
Nosara, Costa Rica
It's focused on the next instead of the present. It’s always tugging at the mind, sometimes gently, sometimes more aggressively. It’s hope, hope that if we go out there, we will find her. We certainly won't find her in this 594-square-foot condo. Here, it is just me being. Just me I AMing.
Her.
Who is this mysterious her? Is it one person, or am I—this part that tugs at my mind—seeking an idea of her? Ideas are fleeting. Ideas are always changing. Ideas are the opposite of stable. Even if you catch an idea, it is just an idea, like a seed is just a seed.
Now, I am someone who has many ideas, but maybe I need to focus on the idea of one. Like I’m focused on the idea of one project. Focusing on one idea is opening up multiple paths within my heart and mind. Focusing on one idea is generating energy that flows in many directions while I’m just I AM'ing.
The energy that accompanies focus is the water that nurtures the seeds.
I know it's confusing. Which I am, am I? The little or the big? It’s hard to tell. I’m still figuring it out myself. But I’ll let you know as soon as I know exactly who I am.
A Moment of Reflection
At the Hart House for an R&B concert.
I feel like I need to be here, but I’m looking for some guidance, something more than just this déjà vu feeling.
What is this?
Is there anything I need to do beyond what I’m already doing in this moment?
Simply be as you are.
I am.
Your heart.
How is your heart in this moment?
Are you happy with your choice to come to this event tonight?
I feel a little emotional when I sense this feeling.
You know the one I’m talking about?
Like I’ve been here before, or that I’m exactly where I need to be?
Is that it? Is that the story for this evening?
Listen to music and go home?
Seems like a small ending to such a big feeling, doesn’t it?
“Beauty of artists is to seek for truth. Each note is a search for truth.”
I can relate.
For me, each word is my way of searching for the truth.
Searching for the truth from within.
It’s 10:45 now. The concert’s over.
I saw the most beautiful woman I’ve seen in a while.
I liked her energy; she naturally embodied the feminine.
Her smile shines as brightly as the ring on her finger.
The kind that lights up every room she enters.
The Ideological "Isms"
The Story of the Concierge and the Realtor
He worked here for 12 years as the head concierge, always kind and gentle. He knew everyone in these two buildings, a combined 80 floors. Then, on October 7, everything changed. Within two weeks, he was fired for sharing a Facebook post about Palestine. I don't know exactly what he shared, but it led to immediate termination. One of the board members claimed they felt unsafe, and suddenly, a man who made everyone feel safe for over a decade was seen as a threat.
Meanwhile, a Realtor posted a photo of Gaza’s bombed buildings, mocking the dead with a caption that read, "Property for sale, but no water or electricity available." It was meant as a joke. He worked with Remax, and calls were made to have him barred from real estate. I’m unsure if he’s still working, but there was a strong outcry to get him suspended.
One person supported life and freedom, while the other mocked destruction. In my circles, most people, regardless of race, religion, or culture, don't support the violence on October 7, but we also don't support what happened before or after. This conflict has created a wedge between people who once lived peacefully together.
Recently, I was at a new café with friends, and we asked a staff member who the owner was. She hesitated before saying the name. The current tensions have created a climate where even owning a business can cause concern. Where the name of a person can result in loss of business. Where a social media share can mean a loss of one’s job.
This is where we are now—people getting fired, businesses worried about their owners' backgrounds and a city that feels less like the Toronto I grew up in. There is a deep sadness in this. I grew up with Jewish brothers and sisters whom I will always love. But the current state of Israel and Palestine has driven an even deeper wedge for two groups of people who share so much in common. Despite everything, I still have love in my heart. I feel no hate, only a deep sadness because I know there is another way. I’ve lived that other way and still do. Toxic ideologies on both sides have divided us.
I spend a lot of time listening to all sides because it’s important, even if I disagree with someone or think they’re being manipulative. Governments worldwide, not just in one country, are filled with people who prioritize their personal interests over the people they serve.
The message I hear today reminds me of what I heard as a child. Zionists seem to have a separate source of information, but this isn't unique to them. When I was younger, I didn’t understand the source of the Zionist narrative. I knew nothing about Zionism, just that certain topics were off-limits. On the Muslim side, I was an insider, many of my once very liberal, progressive family suddenly became more religious. I’m okay with different religious practices, but I resist when others try to impose their fanatical ideas on me.
It's also been interesting to learn how there are both Christian and Jewish Zionists, and being anti-Zionist is often equated with being anti-Jewish. This label is even applied to Jewish people who are anti-Zionist, more often called "self-hating Jews"—people like Gabor Maté, Norman Finkelstein, Naomi Klein, and others.
Over the last 10 months, like many people, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve always followed my feelings and used them as a compass for how I show up in the world. I don’t judge others because I understand what it’s like to have ideologies forced upon you. I’ve spent a lot of time deprogramming and making space for beliefs aligned with my spirit.
This brings me to the documentary Israelism Erin Axelman and Sam Eilertsen, another so-called "self-hating Jew." I think it’s important for everyone to watch, but I want to emphasize that harmful ideologies aren’t limited to one group. For example, Saudi Arabia government doesn’t represent Islam, just as Zionism doesn’t represent Judaism. If you watch this, I encourage you to reflect on the ideologies that have been instilled in you and how they might separate you from humanity, all beings, and this beautiful planet we’re blessed to engage with. These ideologies create barriers between us and having a more symbiotic relationship with our home, Earth.
There are many beautiful rituals and practices in all religions, but they are often overshadowed by toxic ideologies that act as a dam to the essence of these divine gifts.
If you’re wondering if you’re drowning in an ideology, reflect on your relationships with those who are "different" from you. How does your heart feel towards them? Is it unconditionally loving or filled with judgment? Also, examine your relationship with our planet. How do you treat her daily?
Ideologies disconnect us not only from others but also from ourselves. They divide and conquer, starting with the individual and spreading outward. Zionism and Wahhabism have created a wedge between Muslims and Jews, but I refuse to let any ideology change how I feel about my Jewish and Muslim brothers and sisters, many of whom I believe are disconnected from the divine essence within, from the moment they enter this world the programming of separation began.
My heart continues to open to all. I weep for the traumatized and the traumatizer because the traumatizer was once traumatized. We cannot find peace until we understand this cycle and start the healing process.
I have so much hope, but I’ll admit I’ve spent the last couple of months in darkness. This photo was from a few months ago, the first time in 10 years that my old friend depression visited me (or maybe I visited him). I’ve been in and out of it since returning to Toronto. It’s different this time because I can observe myself in this state. I also have many tools now and know how to navigate this darkness, recognizing the gifts it holds and how to bring myself back into the light.
I leave you with this to ponder, including my Christian brothers and sisters. They seem to be less involved, perhaps thinking this is an issue between Jews and Muslims. But why are Christian Zionists so adamant about protecting Israel, even to the point of silencing non-Zionist Jews? What exactly do they want? How do they benefit from this conflict and Middle Eastern instability? What does the genocide and displacement of the indigenous people of Latin America and North America have in common with the current situation in the Middle East?
This brings me to ask more questions: Who is in whose land? Who has infiltrated others' lands with military bases everywhere? Who is the terror, and who is terrorized? We must get crystal clear on this and acknowledge that our freedoms come at the expense of others, from Latin America to the Middle East to Africa. How did Zionists and Wahhabis infiltrate our minds? Like any business, they needed resources to expand—resources that both the Saudis and Israelis have.
I will pause now with this conflict. I want to learn more about other conflicts like the one in Sudan and also local issues in Canada because the truth is, we are not doing well. How could we when our resources, our tax dollars, and the illusion of freedom that we experience result from another's suffering? We are not well, and a band-aid won’t help because this illness has penetrated deep below the surface. Despite all my tools and strength to hold darkness, I have limits on how much I can consume. People from all sides are fighting this battle. As the courageous @plestia said, this is no longer just about Palestine; it’s a much greater fight.
Freedom for Palestine and its people is a stepping stone to freedom for all.
Here is a list of a few people I follow if you are interested:
Lex Friedman Podcast - Listen/Watch his interview with Iman Dr. Omar Suleiman
I also watch Al Jazeera, Zeteo and sometimes Israeli news channels, which I think is important in all conflicts, even when there isn’t one. Exposing ourselves to others’ views and beliefs allows us to find compassion and common ground, even when we vehemently disagree. Love has no boundaries. It costs nothing to give, and it’s a resource that never runs out, although some groups try to block it with ideologies.
This piece is a culmination of everything I’ve absorbed, not just in the last 10 months but over 47 years of swimming in this stew.
In the end, consume all the information you want, but the way to help is to go within—not to dissociate, but to cultivate a deeper connection with your heart and mind. Purify, create space, deprogram the viral ideologies, and we will meet on the other side.
Much love and peace to all.
Living with an Open Broken Heart
I once heard a wise woman say that Buddhists live with an open broken heart. That sentiment stayed with me, and it’s what I strive for most today. My first test came unexpectedly, like a punch in the gut followed by an aching heart. Love takes many forms, but one thing they all have in common is that it hurts when it leaves.
I’ve realized I have anxiety about people leaving. It wasn’t something I considered until my ex pointed it out. My anxiety stems from the fact that the people I loved, and who should have loved me—who do love me—have left. Sometimes, they’ve left multiple times.
After my first love didn’t work out, I shut my heart completely. But the truth is, there wasn’t much effort needed in locking it up because I had already kept most of it on lockdown. Occasionally, I’d open it to take a peek at what could be, but mostly it was closed. It was a defence mechanism, a result of broken trust.
Whether rational or not, in my mind, trust had been broken. I didn’t feel like I mattered, so people would leave or make decisions that didn’t consider me. That’s been my reality, perhaps even since birth.
Today, though, I kept a promise I made to myself back in the summer of 2014. I committed to living with an open broken heart. I know it hurts right now, but I also know it’s the same pain that’s opening my heart a little wider. It’s the same pain that increases my capacity to love. It’s a pain that reminds me I’m starting to feel again.
Why people come into our lives is a mystery. But when you live from this place of openness, it’s a mystery worth exploring—and staying open to—now and forever.
I’ve come to realize that my journey in this lifetime, my greatest challenge, is to love and to be loved. Compared to that, everything else feels like a walk in the park.
I don’t know how this story ends, but one thing is certain: sadness is just a step closer to happiness.
To be continued...
The Sun that Never Sets
What do I do with this open heart? How do I keep it open, and how do I show up in the world now with this current state of being?
I want to show up the same in all areas of my life, with an abundance of love—in business, with friends, and with family.
To keep her in my heart, holding on to that feeling. My memories of her may fade, but I hope the feeling remains.
I want to hold on to both—the memories and the feeling—long enough for her to arrive fully into my arms. To walk into the world with this feeling as if she were already mine not just for one night, but for eternity.
She is with me, by my side, supporting me through every adventure I step into. She is the sun that never sets, always there, embracing me through the good and the bad. She loves all of me.
I look forward to the possibility of grey turning into black and white.
