About Me: tHe NoT sO StandaRd VErsiOn
Resistance. Fog. A lack of clarity. No focus. Procrastination. A few things that I struggle with, but eventually I get to the other side. I’ve chosen a path of uncertainty. It’s exciting, unboxed and dynamic but sometimes I need to check myself at the doctors. Hey Doc, how is my heart? It breaks, I close up, it breaks, I close up even more. This pattern of closing this space, to protecting, contrary to belief, leads to a state of fragility. These doors are a vault, except for in those rare moments where another being has this ability to bypass and touch your heart. It’s so sensitive that it knocks you off the foundation you worked so hard to build.
Last year I got knocked off my feet again. I cannot live this way. I need to do whatever it takes to live with an open broken heart. I finally learned. When the heart breaks, you dive deeper within. The deeper I dive in, the stronger the more expansive it gets and the stronger I become. It turns out that heart break is a gift. If I wrote this story even three years ago, it would be have read much differently.
I am always growing, always learning, going deep within myself. As much as I enjoy travelling and exploring the external world it comes second to the exploration of my inner being. There is a limitless depth. You would think after 17 years of introspection that there would be no more to explore, but the deeper I go, the more doors seem to open, the more there is to experience. This internal expansion inevitably turns into an external expansion. I am beginning to dance to the rhythms of nature, to feel all the feels, to love in a way that I have never imagined possible.
This is my story. It’s a story of psychological struggle, its a story of dancing between the light and the dark. It’s a story of connecting with self, of learning to love and respect my self so that I may learn to love and respect others. It is birthed from the inside out. My story has been one of profound loneliness and isolation on the inside and beautiful connections on the outside. Our stories are never what others see, our real stories lay deep down inside, buried by the cultural expectations that we reside in and many like me, there are multiple cultural expectations, expectations that contradict one another. Which way to be, to act, whom to please? How to please, which mask shall I wear? At times wearing the wrong mask to the wrong party only to raise eyebrows of the others. They look at you and say “I’ve never seen this side of you”. You quickly retract, run and exit.. You are exhausted and don’t even know who you are anymore. What masks to wear and when. It’s exhausting and so I lay down on the sofa, watching endless television. Not for me but merely for the sake of distracting the mind so that my spirit may rest.
I hit a moment at the age of 25. My life began to unfold. Emphasis being on MY LIFE. It wasn't immediate. There was too much intricate wiring that needed to be untangled mindfully to prevent from dropping into the darkness and never returning. Even though the wiring was not mine, it kept me out of the abyss and connected. Gradually, I began to discover my Self, to give the spirit an opportunity to enter, to see, to show up. It was a gradual evolution. 17 years to be precise and still going.
There are so many moments, that resulted in the being I am today. The struggle is still there but it is my struggle. It is the struggle of Self, no longer the struggle of the other. It is the struggle of mind and spirit, evolved from the struggle of mind and body. I wish I could promise you an easier way, I wish I had a pill for you to strengthen and sharpen the mind so that you can cut through the weeds that are in the way of you, the you that is yearning to shine from deep within, the you that has been buried by the expectations of the other. I have no pill, but I have my experiences, I have a flashlight and I can be your guide, but it is up to you to walk and to know that inevitably you will walk alone, connection to connection, jump from tribe to tribe, then alone again. There will be moments of despair, but as we work to strengthen your mind, so that you may make way for the spirit that lays within, it is that spirit of yours that will rise, that will lift you up.
I had to start somewhere, so I began methodically turning off and disconnecting one external world at a time so that I may discover my authentic self. The mind is very powerful, but an untrained mind is susceptible to the manipulations of the other.
Thats where I come in, I assist others in developing awareness of mind, then provide tools to sharpen the mind through a series of exercises, using the mind to fuse the physical and energetic body and once we clear the energetic being, we make space for our spirit, for our soul to shine.
Life is beautiful but we circle within these expired models in return for the illusion of safety and certainty.
You want to know who I am? I am the one who will take you below the surface, the one who will walk you to the gates of your evolution, the evolution of your consciousness and to the crossroads where you will have to make a choice, whether to keep playing the same level over and over or choose to join me and many others playing and hanging in the higher vibrational playground.
The evolution of consciousness depends on you, on me, on all of us to wake the fuck up. The next revolution is the revolution of the energetic being.
You know what I believe? I believe we haven’t even scratched the surface.
It’s about that time. I’m ready when you are.