Stuck In A Maze
I sit here on my own, in a space occupied by me, the things I have collected, music, and devices. I go on my phone for moments of distraction, taking a break from loneliness and filling it with some swipes and explorations, attempting to find something: a video, an event, or a story that fulfills me. I am a social being unable to find a place to be social.
Sure, I practice yoga and have moments of connection before and after class, but it rarely translates to the "land of beyond." I have my brother, nephew, and niece, the number one reason for attempting to root down into concrete. Without them it would be empty and I’d likely be on a train, a plane, an automobile, or a bus moving through the mountains, swimming in rivers where snakes and birds dance above in the trees, or maybe learning to surf in the Pacific or the chilly Atlantic. I’d be eating tagines and empanadas, beans and rice, and colourful fruits that I don’t know the names of, meeting people who live in other sections of this large yet very small planet.
I have other family and plenty of friends whom I love, but everyone is busy with their own lives. This is not a place for a single 49-year-old man. I missed out on parts of life, like having a family and a long-term relationship. I was busy with the process of healing and the process of opening my heart. It is not an easy environment for a 49-year-old, single, open-hearted man living an out-of-the-box life. I have a business and incredible colleagues who challenge me in positive ways, but it’s not love. It’s many things, but it’s not love. I know how to fill my own void, but I am human and sometimes I require the outside to fill my insides, even if its temporary. My coach reminds me of this from time to time, along with the reminder to take it easy on myself. I can be hard on me and this ADHD mind, a desire to continuously change, to evolve. But evolving also means taking a moment to bask in the being I have become, something that’s easier said than done.
Don't get me wrong, I do meet wonderful women, but I project my own insecurities onto these strangers. Felt feelings are followed by reasons why they wouldn't want to date me. I've never really learned how to date. I have tried, but growing up in chaos fucked with my compass of what’s healthy vs. what’s familiar. I chose familiar and safe, which ironically is unsafe. I freeze and flight around anyone who activates emotions within me. I'm trying. Swipe culture, left and right become mechanical. I give up and swipe right until I run out of likes, postponed until the next day or until I delete the app altogether. Even with the matches that come my way, getting to know someone through texts... I don't have the instruction manual. What do I say? Hello? How was your day? Something witty? Something sexy? Something intelligent? Do I ask about their morning routines? Their values? Do I flirt? What is flirting these days? What’s appropriate and not appropriate? Can I comment on their looks, their clothes, their lips and bodies? Maybe I see their profile and I imagine what it would be like to kiss their lips. Is that something I can share?
My last relationship did a number on me. Slowly, she chipped away at all that was me. Suffocating. Why do I choose people who want to change and suppress me? Who are hard on me? I'm hard enough on myself. I know the answer. I have stopped choosing the familiar. It is a step in the right direction, but which way do I turn now? What do I do in unfamiliar territory?
Love.
The search, a forever moving target. I do so much on my own: theatre, movies, even a party now and then, trying new restaurants. I enjoy the moment, but after, I want to talk about it, to share my thoughts and listen to hers. A debrief. But I debrief on my own. Pen and paper fill the space of the lover I can't seem to find, to touch, to love. It seems that around me everyone has it figured out, and I know it's not true, but I can't help but look around and see that I am the only one who is single among my peers. Feeling like an outcast. An anomaly. Stuck in a maze.
