Scaffolding for my Emotions

Resilience

Resilience came to mind when reflecting on dating and relationships, inspired by a podcast I listened to yesterday. The speaker suggested dating someone who is my opposite, as seeking someone like myself is egoic. While I can't recall his exact words, the idea stuck with me. Considering the power and potential of opposites, I realized that resilient couples, those together for 10+ years, have an incredible ability to weather life's storms and continually return to each other.

This resilience inspires me. I observe these couples and how they navigate and embrace their imperfections. It's normal to face challenging times. Of course, there's a limit, as seen in my family, and some situations are unhealthy for the couple or their children. But I'm not referring to traumatic relationships. I'm talking about the dance of falling in and out of love, the choice to recommit even when the fuzzy feelings fade.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is another crucial concept. My parents expect us to forgive without an apology or acknowledgment of our childhood experiences and their impact on our adulthood. Can I truly forgive without acknowledgment? I don't think so. Let me emphasize: can I forgive without acknowledgment? I don't think so. I have tried to block out unresolved injuries, but some memories resurface, seeking resolution and release. They cause surface chaos before retreating to safer, hidden places.

Scaffolding

At 47, I've shifted. In recent years, I've built scaffolding for my emotions, allowing them to stay on the surface without causing external chaos, though internal chaos remains. I'm building a relationship with unprocessed experiences from my childhood, teens, and 20s. I've created new spaces for them to breathe and take in light. I, the 47-year-old Talib, support these past versions of myself to heal, live, and eventually integrate.

I'm no longer seeking external resolution or release for emotional wounds. I am the parent, coach, therapist, and healer. There's only so far others and medicines can take me. At some point, I must take hold of the baton and run to the finish line on my own.

Waiting

Maybe she's waiting for me at the finish line. Perhaps I was waiting for her to help me reach it. But it's not her marathon to finish; it's mine. She's whole, having completed her journey, and waiting to run the next one together. Maybe. One can hope, right? To one day journey as a couple, to journey together.

Conclusion

In the end, the journey of resilience, forgiveness, and personal growth is uniquely my own. It's about embracing the storms and finding my way back to love, forgiving even when acknowledgment is absent, and building the internal scaffolding to support my emotional landscapes. At 47, I've learned that true healing comes from within, and while I may hope for someone to share my journey, it's essential to complete my marathon first. The resilience to weather life's challenges, the courage to forgive, and the strength to nurture my past selves pave the way for genuine connection. Maybe, just maybe, at the finish line, I'll find not just someone waiting, but the readiness to journey together, whole and healed.

Crossroads

I feel something stuck inside of me, an uneasiness in my stomach. I'm not sure if it's mine, hers, or both. She’s going back today. It’s one thing to know what we want and develop courage outside the environment where challenges exist, but it’s another to go back into that environment—into the trenches—and execute the plan, the change we desire. Disconnecting is hard because hearts are broken, and relationships are impacted. That’s why so few do it. We don’t want to get uncomfortable, and we don’t want to hurt others. It’s so fucking hard.

We’re raised a certain way, through the lens of others for most of our lives. When we can no longer live with that queasy, uneasy feeling, we come to a crossroads. Do we maintain the status quo for the sake of others, or do we destroy everything to save ourselves? To reach out and pull ourselves out of the quicksand before it completely engulfs us to the point of no return. What we don’t realize is that if we don’t save ourselves in this lifetime, the next one will be a rerun of the one that preceded it.

So, would you want to live the life you’re living today—the life of suppressing yourself—if you knew that the next life would be exactly the same unless you reach out that hand and rescue yourself?

Hell, to me, is repeating a life lived unauthentically, living for others at the sacrifice of our own self. The biggest misconception is that focusing on the self is selfish, that we should help others and place their needs above our own. But our capacity to love and help others is limited by our capacity to love and help ourselves. We can’t fill others' tanks while ours is on empty.

I feel better after getting this out. I think I’ll type it to her. It will be the last journal entry she receives before her flight. Is it possible that I already love her? Is it possible that all these random little moments connected us? If someone is guiding and helping me, thank you. Thank you for the guidance, for the little nudge in the right direction. So many mini crossroads, and fortunately, I was encouraged to flow in the direction of this woman who captures my heart.

The Sun that Never Sets

What do I do with this open heart? How do I keep it open, and how do I show up in the world now with this current state of being?

I want to show up the same in all areas of my life, with an abundance of love—in business, with friends, and with family.

To keep her in my heart, holding on to that feeling. My memories of her may fade, but I hope the feeling remains.

I want to hold on to both—the memories and the feeling—long enough for her to arrive fully into my arms. To walk into the world with this feeling as if she were already mine not just for one night, but for eternity.

She is with me, by my side, supporting me through every adventure I step into. She is the sun that never sets, always there, embracing me through the good and the bad. She loves all of me.

I look forward to the possibility of grey turning into black and white.