The Elevator

I recently realized that for the last 18 years, I’ve been putting myself back together since you broke me, since all that I was programmed to believe came crashing down—like a home built without a foundation.

I want to blame my parents, but is that fair when they were simply reflecting how others were toward them? It’s probably more fair to blame the lineage, at least the last three generations, for the love that never had a chance to fully blossom because of the defective seeds planted and nurtured within me.

Maybe that day I was supposed to stop you. But how could I ruin your life? I was a mess. I wasn’t ready, nor did I feel deserving of you. Too many programs running inside me. Too many wires crossed, needing to be untangled and rewired.

I recently met 'her' again. It was a knowing, the same knowing I had when I walked into that club, and we locked eyes for the first time. I just knew.

It’s been hard. Not the hard times—they’ve passed—but it’s the good times that are hard. It’s on the elevator going up that I wish you were here. Someone to celebrate with. Someone to witness all my growth. I’m about to step into yet another elevator, and it looks like I’ll be walking in it alone once again. I have my friends, family, coach, and a few of them will fit, but at some point, they too will step off.

Crossroads

I feel something stuck inside of me, an uneasiness in my stomach. I'm not sure if it's mine, hers, or both. She’s going back today. It’s one thing to know what we want and develop courage outside the environment where challenges exist, but it’s another to go back into that environment—into the trenches—and execute the plan, the change we desire. Disconnecting is hard because hearts are broken, and relationships are impacted. That’s why so few do it. We don’t want to get uncomfortable, and we don’t want to hurt others. It’s so fucking hard.

We’re raised a certain way, through the lens of others for most of our lives. When we can no longer live with that queasy, uneasy feeling, we come to a crossroads. Do we maintain the status quo for the sake of others, or do we destroy everything to save ourselves? To reach out and pull ourselves out of the quicksand before it completely engulfs us to the point of no return. What we don’t realize is that if we don’t save ourselves in this lifetime, the next one will be a rerun of the one that preceded it.

So, would you want to live the life you’re living today—the life of suppressing yourself—if you knew that the next life would be exactly the same unless you reach out that hand and rescue yourself?

Hell, to me, is repeating a life lived unauthentically, living for others at the sacrifice of our own self. The biggest misconception is that focusing on the self is selfish, that we should help others and place their needs above our own. But our capacity to love and help others is limited by our capacity to love and help ourselves. We can’t fill others' tanks while ours is on empty.

I feel better after getting this out. I think I’ll type it to her. It will be the last journal entry she receives before her flight. Is it possible that I already love her? Is it possible that all these random little moments connected us? If someone is guiding and helping me, thank you. Thank you for the guidance, for the little nudge in the right direction. So many mini crossroads, and fortunately, I was encouraged to flow in the direction of this woman who captures my heart.

The Sun that Never Sets

What do I do with this open heart? How do I keep it open, and how do I show up in the world now with this current state of being?

I want to show up the same in all areas of my life, with an abundance of love—in business, with friends, and with family.

To keep her in my heart, holding on to that feeling. My memories of her may fade, but I hope the feeling remains.

I want to hold on to both—the memories and the feeling—long enough for her to arrive fully into my arms. To walk into the world with this feeling as if she were already mine not just for one night, but for eternity.

She is with me, by my side, supporting me through every adventure I step into. She is the sun that never sets, always there, embracing me through the good and the bad. She loves all of me.

I look forward to the possibility of grey turning into black and white.