Intertwined Minds
The state of my mind and my search for love. If I were to die today, what mind am I moving on with? Is it lighter than that with which I arrived, heavier, or has it remained the same?
Perhaps I did let go of the old and then refilled the suitcase—aka my mind—with new thoughts, patterns, emotions, and habits. My feeling is that the load is lighter for my mind and the mind of my ancestors. We are intertwined. It’s how we stay connected and communicate with each other.
The more I clear, the lighter my lineage becomes, and the clearer the lines of communication will be.
This visual of minds being intertwined has never presented itself with such clarity. A clear mind is strong and holds the ability to connect with ease to the minds of the seen and unseen. The act has been more unconscious than conscious, but now I have more clarity around the workings of the mind.
This is the next evolution: to connect with the minds of the unseen, those wiser than I, and be open to their teachings that are needed in this moment in time.
When you watch the news, it is static for you, and it’s not only impacting your mind but all the minds you are intertwined with, blocking the wisdom of your ancestors, the sages, and other beings yearning to communicate through you.
You are to simply learn how to be a vessel for your Higher Self and beyond.
In the past, your meditation was for clearing and strengthening your own mind over the years, but it became a comfort, an escape.
Now that you have been away from it for some time, return to sitting.
Open yourself to receive from those wiser than you, who can show you, teach through you. Be a conscious vessel. You are not your own.
Always watched over.
Keep your channel clean, your mind pure, and your heart open.
Love.
What is love’s role?
Lighten the Load
Abundance, presence, love.
For those who take more than their share, ask yourself what impact this has on others, and, more importantly, ask what impact this weight has on your soul—to collect all these things that will remain behind.
Nothing you have will come along for the ride except your deeds, intentions, and stories carved into your mind and spirit.
The mind goes with us to the next.
We may leave our bodies behind, but the programs of our mind will remain intact.
Ask yourself: if I were to die tomorrow, is this the mind I want to travel with?
This day, and every moment that follows, will be another opportunity to lighten the load, improving the chance of transcendence.
I Want to Kiss
In this moment, I will not be taking anything.
Just me, this page, a matcha latte.
I feel the energy moving in my heart space, the center of my chest. My tongue is pressed against the top of my mouth, the tip of my tongue pressed behind the back of my two front teeth.
Energy flowing in my throat, a cooling sensation that is moving upward, dripping onto my tongue, wanting to pour out. I want to kiss. I miss kissing. My favourite pastime.
A lover comes to mind.
No one to kiss in this moment.
How else can I express this love yearning to pour out? What if I never meet someone?
What would I do with this energy and love?
How can I express it and share it other than making love to a woman?
Why would I even contemplate this?
It’s not an either-or; it’s about everything.
The Earth below and the Universe above.
Meeting within the centre of my vessel.
Blessings, Infinite Blessings.
“Encircled by splendor in the center of the sphere. Meditate where the body thrills to currents of infinite communion. Follow your senses to the end and beyond into the heart of space.” — The Radiant Sutras
Into the heart of space.
Be present today. Notice the spaces in which you play, the blessings waiting to be seen. How are others fitting into the space? How are you moving through space?
I often underestimate space, its existence and its importance and how it shifts depending on who or what occupies it in any given moment. Space is not static. We change it with our presence, our awareness, our gaze, our words, even our breath.
In a moment, you will leave this space, your new home, and dance in spaces with others. How does your space adapt to you? Observe how you adapt to the space and those within it.
How do I want to move through space? What about the space inside of me? The space inside of others?
Why is it important to cultivate spaciousness in our minds and hearts? How can we hold and flow with ease if we are full, if our minds and hearts are stuffed with what we consume, transmuting us into a dense and weighty object?
How am I breathing?
Life Dreams, Wet Dreams
Sometimes, you just need to release the valve, in whatever way works best. I feel better, less erratic. But I know it's not the only reason I was feeling scattered. I’m consuming a lot of information, trying to make sense of the world we're in, and at the same time, I'm sorting through my emotions anticipating the current to come. It's another reason, but not the only one, for pouring media onto my mind.
It’s hard to predict the end of something so far in advance. But I'm grateful for the chance to grieve, and even more grateful for my awareness of what I’m grieving. It’s not easy to say goodbye. When you do, memories of gratitude rush to the surface, and the longing begins—sometimes more painful than the grieving itself. Maybe they’re both steps within a greater process called death.
I'm scared. There’s no other way to put it. One Chanel, the other Gap. One is wet dreams, the other ignites life dreams. I’m drawn to Ms. Gap—madam life dreams. That’s always been my dream: a partner, two kids, a life we build together. But my soul had other plans: healing homework for both the soul and the whole. I was a strange mix of "too nice" and rage, birthed from chaos and conditions both now and passed down from those before me.
I learned from the screen. It was in the room where I shined. If only I could make her emulate the sounds and expressions I absorbed with my ears and eyes. I’m a man of contingencies, always with a backup plan—or maybe a forward plan, depending on the moment. The skills of the tongue. I did well. Sometimes not so well—it depended on the sun and moon, the alignment of the planets out there and in here. I achieved a passing grade, a high C, and maybe even a B+ at times. I guess it depends on the student who came before me.
A grading system that only she controls: the teacher. Once upon a time, she was the wise one in our historical eyes. Today, she is underground, difficult to be found but if you listen, you can still hear her subtle sounds.
Where was I? Ah yes, wet dreams and life dreams. It's not that life dreams can't have the thrill of wet dreams, but if I had to choose, I’d choose the illusory "happily ever after."
I said nothing. The fear of the past tightens inside my heart, holding back the words that yearn to rise up the channel and dew-drop off my tongue.
Feeling scared. Scared of what? Rejection? Possibility? That what you want might actually come true? One dream at a time. Wait why not two dreams at a time?
Rewind.
What stopped you? She was literally in front of you.
Judgment. Judgment of who she was surrounded by, judgment of her likes. Judgments that make no sense, judgments meant to distract and deter you from the truth of that moment. All you wanted was to say hello, to start a conversation. She felt good. She felt calm inside my heart. Maybe she had a man, maybe not. Maybe she was a million things or a million different scenarios, but it didn’t matter because she felt like a potential life dream.
A 5-Month Update: Returning to Toronto, Navigating Love, and Embracing Change
The different humans I’ve crossed paths with have helped shift the lens through which I see the world. Born and raised in Toronto, knowing what it was and what it is now, I sometimes feel like a grumpy old guy. Words I wanted to say when I was young still want to slide off my tongue, but I hold back. I know things aren’t the same; like everything big and small, they change. Some aspects dissolve completely, and from that comes a process of rebirth. I see it. There’s a rebirth happening, and births are not meant to be painless because within the pain lie many lessons, preparing us for what’s on the other side.
This photo was taken six months ago. I’ll tell you in a moment why I saved it, but first, it’s been five months since I returned to Toronto. Four months ago, I signed my first one-year lease in three years. The mental transition has been tough, but I’ve finally found my flow. I have my friends and family, but I was missing community. Understandably, while I was living the nomadic life, everyone else’s life moved on.
I’m enjoying discovering new cafés, working on projects, working out, and practicing yoga. I’m spending time with my brother, nephew, niece, and friends and meeting new people. After two years, I’ve even started to date. At this age, I never thought I’d be here, but dating has been my biggest challenge to navigate.
Compared to dating and finding love, everything else in my life feels effortless, like a walk in the park.
I was going to share how difficult it’s been to find love, but that’s not true. What’s been difficult is receiving love. I’ve had opportunities to be in committed relationships, but my internal wiring was all crisscrossed. It’s taken me until now to feel psychologically and emotionally balanced and grounded.
I’ve been carrying around an unhealthy yearning to fill a void inside me. Yet, when opportunities for relationships came, I struggled to sustain them. Sometimes I chose wrong, too. Without diving too deep into that rabbit hole, I’ve come a long way in this daring process. To date is to be daring in this climate. It might sound odd, but I didn’t know how to date. I’m still learning, especially how to date in a healthy way—with openness, honesty, and emotional maturity.
I’m on one dating app, but I’ve also been going out and meeting women, rebuilding the courage and confidence to start conversations with strangers. This journey has been an education in openness and connection, and I’m grateful for every step.
I took this photo six months ago when I was in India. I went to the gym in my sister’s building to move the heaviness and clear up some of the darkness that was engulfing me. A combination of time to spare, algorithms, and changing a setting on Instagram led me to see the images coming out of Palestine. I began reading and seeing things that no human should ever have to witness, let alone experience. It teleported me into a darkness I hadn’t visited in ten years.
This darkness continued when I returned to Toronto. I struggled to reintegrate into this energy and accept the need to land here longer than I have in the last three years. Signing my first lease in three years triggered an anxiety attack. The weekdays were manageable, but the weekends—especially the long weekends—were filled with profound loneliness and sadness that pulled me back into the darkness. My piece Seductive Shadows came from this place.
It was dark, yes. Old narratives came rushing to the surface, and I must admit, it really fucking surprised me. But there was a big difference this time: I had the ability to watch, observe, and allow this internal drama to play out. I have tools to remain grounded and ride the waves of the darkest thoughts and emotions. The first four months felt like being back in the womb, and in the fifth month, I rebirthed with new energy, a fresh mind, an expansive heart, and a newfound excitement and optimism for life. I even rediscovered a love for Toronto (I know, hard to believe, right?!).
I know the darkness has its gifts, and I’ll embrace the waves when they return. But for now, oof, am I glad to be back on the surface, soaking in the sunshine.
The Ideological "Isms"
The Story of the Concierge and the Realtor
He worked here for 12 years as the head concierge, always kind and gentle. He knew everyone in these two buildings, a combined 80 floors. Then, on October 7, everything changed. Within two weeks, he was fired for sharing a Facebook post about Palestine. I don't know exactly what he shared, but it led to immediate termination. One of the board members claimed they felt unsafe, and suddenly, a man who made everyone feel safe for over a decade was seen as a threat.
Meanwhile, a Realtor posted a photo of Gaza’s bombed buildings, mocking the dead with a caption that read, "Property for sale, but no water or electricity available." It was meant as a joke. He worked with Remax, and calls were made to have him barred from real estate. I’m unsure if he’s still working, but there was a strong outcry to get him suspended.
One person supported life and freedom, while the other mocked destruction. In my circles, most people, regardless of race, religion, or culture, don't support the violence on October 7, but we also don't support what happened before or after. This conflict has created a wedge between people who once lived peacefully together.
Recently, I was at a new café with friends, and we asked a staff member who the owner was. She hesitated before saying the name. The current tensions have created a climate where even owning a business can cause concern. Where the name of a person can result in loss of business. Where a social media share can mean a loss of one’s job.
This is where we are now—people getting fired, businesses worried about their owners' backgrounds and a city that feels less like the Toronto I grew up in. There is a deep sadness in this. I grew up with Jewish brothers and sisters whom I will always love. But the current state of Israel and Palestine has driven an even deeper wedge for two groups of people who share so much in common. Despite everything, I still have love in my heart. I feel no hate, only a deep sadness because I know there is another way. I’ve lived that other way and still do. Toxic ideologies on both sides have divided us.
I spend a lot of time listening to all sides because it’s important, even if I disagree with someone or think they’re being manipulative. Governments worldwide, not just in one country, are filled with people who prioritize their personal interests over the people they serve.
The message I hear today reminds me of what I heard as a child. Zionists seem to have a separate source of information, but this isn't unique to them. When I was younger, I didn’t understand the source of the Zionist narrative. I knew nothing about Zionism, just that certain topics were off-limits. On the Muslim side, I was an insider, many of my once very liberal, progressive family suddenly became more religious. I’m okay with different religious practices, but I resist when others try to impose their fanatical ideas on me.
It's also been interesting to learn how there are both Christian and Jewish Zionists, and being anti-Zionist is often equated with being anti-Jewish. This label is even applied to Jewish people who are anti-Zionist, more often called "self-hating Jews"—people like Gabor Maté, Norman Finkelstein, Naomi Klein, and others.
Over the last 10 months, like many people, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve always followed my feelings and used them as a compass for how I show up in the world. I don’t judge others because I understand what it’s like to have ideologies forced upon you. I’ve spent a lot of time deprogramming and making space for beliefs aligned with my spirit.
This brings me to the documentary Israelism Erin Axelman and Sam Eilertsen, another so-called "self-hating Jew." I think it’s important for everyone to watch, but I want to emphasize that harmful ideologies aren’t limited to one group. For example, Saudi Arabia government doesn’t represent Islam, just as Zionism doesn’t represent Judaism. If you watch this, I encourage you to reflect on the ideologies that have been instilled in you and how they might separate you from humanity, all beings, and this beautiful planet we’re blessed to engage with. These ideologies create barriers between us and having a more symbiotic relationship with our home, Earth.
There are many beautiful rituals and practices in all religions, but they are often overshadowed by toxic ideologies that act as a dam to the essence of these divine gifts.
If you’re wondering if you’re drowning in an ideology, reflect on your relationships with those who are "different" from you. How does your heart feel towards them? Is it unconditionally loving or filled with judgment? Also, examine your relationship with our planet. How do you treat her daily?
Ideologies disconnect us not only from others but also from ourselves. They divide and conquer, starting with the individual and spreading outward. Zionism and Wahhabism have created a wedge between Muslims and Jews, but I refuse to let any ideology change how I feel about my Jewish and Muslim brothers and sisters, many of whom I believe are disconnected from the divine essence within, from the moment they enter this world the programming of separation began.
My heart continues to open to all. I weep for the traumatized and the traumatizer because the traumatizer was once traumatized. We cannot find peace until we understand this cycle and start the healing process.
I have so much hope, but I’ll admit I’ve spent the last couple of months in darkness. This photo was from a few months ago, the first time in 10 years that my old friend depression visited me (or maybe I visited him). I’ve been in and out of it since returning to Toronto. It’s different this time because I can observe myself in this state. I also have many tools now and know how to navigate this darkness, recognizing the gifts it holds and how to bring myself back into the light.
I leave you with this to ponder, including my Christian brothers and sisters. They seem to be less involved, perhaps thinking this is an issue between Jews and Muslims. But why are Christian Zionists so adamant about protecting Israel, even to the point of silencing non-Zionist Jews? What exactly do they want? How do they benefit from this conflict and Middle Eastern instability? What does the genocide and displacement of the indigenous people of Latin America and North America have in common with the current situation in the Middle East?
This brings me to ask more questions: Who is in whose land? Who has infiltrated others' lands with military bases everywhere? Who is the terror, and who is terrorized? We must get crystal clear on this and acknowledge that our freedoms come at the expense of others, from Latin America to the Middle East to Africa. How did Zionists and Wahhabis infiltrate our minds? Like any business, they needed resources to expand—resources that both the Saudis and Israelis have.
I will pause now with this conflict. I want to learn more about other conflicts like the one in Sudan and also local issues in Canada because the truth is, we are not doing well. How could we when our resources, our tax dollars, and the illusion of freedom that we experience result from another's suffering? We are not well, and a band-aid won’t help because this illness has penetrated deep below the surface. Despite all my tools and strength to hold darkness, I have limits on how much I can consume. People from all sides are fighting this battle. As the courageous @plestia said, this is no longer just about Palestine; it’s a much greater fight.
Freedom for Palestine and its people is a stepping stone to freedom for all.
Here is a list of a few people I follow if you are interested:
Lex Friedman Podcast - Listen/Watch his interview with Iman Dr. Omar Suleiman
I also watch Al Jazeera, Zeteo and sometimes Israeli news channels, which I think is important in all conflicts, even when there isn’t one. Exposing ourselves to others’ views and beliefs allows us to find compassion and common ground, even when we vehemently disagree. Love has no boundaries. It costs nothing to give, and it’s a resource that never runs out, although some groups try to block it with ideologies.
This piece is a culmination of everything I’ve absorbed, not just in the last 10 months but over 47 years of swimming in this stew.
In the end, consume all the information you want, but the way to help is to go within—not to dissociate, but to cultivate a deeper connection with your heart and mind. Purify, create space, deprogram the viral ideologies, and we will meet on the other side.
Much love and peace to all.
How Long Has it Been?
Staying small. Thinking small. Caught up in mundane thoughts.
Are you staying in your own shadow? Still don’t want to be seen? Still want to fly under the radar? What would it feel like to live above it?
Is there a connection between the freeze-and-flight response in the search for love and the hesitation in sharing your work? Do both require the same flavour of vulnerability and openness?
Why do I freeze when people see me? When they show genuine love for my work and way of being?
I recoil, uncertain.
Who benefits from staying small? From thinking small? From being caught up in mundane thoughts? What are these mundane thoughts?
Staying in the shadow is tempting; it’s the home of the exiled. But what parts have been exiled? What parts are yearning to rise to the surface, to sip the air of wind, to feel the heat of the sun and the light of the moon?
How long has it been?
It feels like lifetimes.