What We See
What We See
What we see is colonization, live.
What we see is what we have been given.
What we see is those who have gone beyond their means.
What we see is a way to fill the unfillable void.
What we see is the insatiable thirst for more.
What we see, we don’t want to believe.
What we see, we will regret.
What we see is the opposite of love.
What we see is selective care.
What we see is up to you and me.
Robert Colescott - School Days 1
Remind Me
Rocky Mountain National Park
The mountains remind me of how small I am. Humbling.
Travelling reminds me that the news never tells the whole story of a land and its people.
Conversations remind me that we all want the same thing at our core.
Lands tell a story, both beautiful and brutal.
Closing my eyes reminds me to listen to the wind,
to see with the third eye.
I am reminded that those who lead and govern do not serve in the best interest of the masses.
Was it always this way? Was there ever a time in history when a government served all?
What does it mean to serve?
I'll give you my perspective if you care to read.
Equality needs to begin at the basics.
Food, shelter, water, clothing. If all beings do not have these, then we are failing.
All of humanity is failing.
It matters neither to the micro nor the macro spirit—the karmic merry-go-round will continue its circular motion.
The exits are closed until the lessons are learned.
Personally, I have no issues with billionaires. We can have billionaires and nurture all beings.
We can have differences on what system is better, but honestly, it matters little to none.
If the heart is closed and the mind is corrupt, the system has no relevance. A system does not enlighten one.
It does not open our hearts.
If we love from the mind, then love is a manipulative illusion.
It is not love, for love is unconditional.
Mindful love is conditioned and coated in judgment.
We do not judge the mountains, the winds, the oceans, and the forests—
but we judge each other. Why?
Because most of us love nature from our hearts,
yet we forget that we too are nature, baked from the same ingredients as the fox that trots and the winds that sing.
I am reminded, and for that, I am grateful.
Intertwined Minds
The state of my mind and my search for love. If I were to die today, what mind am I moving on with? Is it lighter than that with which I arrived, heavier, or has it remained the same?
Perhaps I did let go of the old and then refilled the suitcase—aka my mind—with new thoughts, patterns, emotions, and habits. My feeling is that the load is lighter for my mind and the mind of my ancestors. We are intertwined. It’s how we stay connected and communicate with each other.
The more I clear, the lighter my lineage becomes, and the clearer the lines of communication will be.
This visual of minds being intertwined has never presented itself with such clarity. A clear mind is strong and holds the ability to connect with ease to the minds of the seen and unseen. The act has been more unconscious than conscious, but now I have more clarity around the workings of the mind.
This is the next evolution: to connect with the minds of the unseen, those wiser than I, and be open to their teachings that are needed in this moment in time.
When you watch the news, it is static for you, and it’s not only impacting your mind but all the minds you are intertwined with, blocking the wisdom of your ancestors, the sages, and other beings yearning to communicate through you.
You are to simply learn how to be a vessel for your Higher Self and beyond.
In the past, your meditation was for clearing and strengthening your own mind over the years, but it became a comfort, an escape.
Now that you have been away from it for some time, return to sitting.
Open yourself to receive from those wiser than you, who can show you, teach through you. Be a conscious vessel. You are not your own.
Always watched over.
Keep your channel clean, your mind pure, and your heart open.
Love.
What is love’s role?
Be With Her
Be with someone who makes your heart change its rhythmic state.
Be with someone who disrupts your insides—not so much that you lose yourself, but the right amount of disruption that ignites new parts of you.
Be with someone who makes you feel, activates your heart—someone you are excited to see at the end of the day.
Release the naysayers, the narratives and internal dialogue of the others, of those who know nothing about you, by those who don’t even know themselves.
Be with the one that… you don’t even need to write anymore. If she activates your heart, be with her.
Be with this feeling right now. Hold onto this. It’s a gift from her to you.
Be with the one who has the potential to break your heart.
Be with the one who reminds you of your existence and why you came here in the first place.
Be with her.
I Want to Kiss
In this moment, I will not be taking anything.
Just me, this page, a matcha latte.
I feel the energy moving in my heart space, the center of my chest. My tongue is pressed against the top of my mouth, the tip of my tongue pressed behind the back of my two front teeth.
Energy flowing in my throat, a cooling sensation that is moving upward, dripping onto my tongue, wanting to pour out. I want to kiss. I miss kissing. My favourite pastime.
A lover comes to mind.
No one to kiss in this moment.
How else can I express this love yearning to pour out? What if I never meet someone?
What would I do with this energy and love?
How can I express it and share it other than making love to a woman?
Why would I even contemplate this?
It’s not an either-or; it’s about everything.
The Earth below and the Universe above.
Meeting within the centre of my vessel.
Unfulfilled Yearning
Three Americanos yesterday. I was buzzing and didn’t sleep till 1:30 a.m. I watched a few episodes of This Is Us, and it ignited some ancient emotions inside me.
A sadness, a longing for the family I haven’t yet had in this life.
I love the way the show moves between past and present. It inspires me to weave my own memories, to explore the threads of my own story.
I love that the desire to have a family has returned. I don’t think it ever really left. I just tucked it away, deep into unlocked drawers within me.
It’s something we all do with unfulfilled yearning. It’s too disruptive in day-to-day life to carry these longings openly, letting them sit on top of our hearts and minds. Some we save for another day, others we save for another life. And some yearnings rise back up from the depths of our soul to remind us that they need to be lived now, in this fleeting blip of a moment.
So I open myself to the desires that won’t wait for another day, for another life, and I pray for another chance. I pray for courage. Life has gifted me many chances, but I spent so much of this life moving through the world with a ball of confusion around my heart, clouding my mind and smothering my truth.
A fear birthed out of chaos. I chose what I feared less, which created an illusion of safety. An illusion that had no legs to carry me toward what I most yearned for, a yearning that couldn’t be saved for another day.
This longing reminds me that it will come with its own beautiful chaos—a love that I’m now ready for, as ready as one can be for something so grand.
It’s not that I’ve hardened my heart; rather, I’ve softened it. I’ve learned to embrace, endure, and appreciate the cracks that formed rivers from broken experiences.
Finca Mia Retreat Centre - Rivas, Costa Rica
Emptiness in Neutrality
I feel empty today—not in a negative way, just neutral. I don’t have the energy to create, reflect, or dig into any deep insights. But I also don’t feel down or heavy. I feel neutral—a nice place to be. From this space, I can handle the admin stuff. My heart feels good, alive, energized. There’s an energy moving through me as I write.
Winding down, spending my evenings in silence with my journals and books, and beginning my mornings in the same quiet are meditations in themselves. I notice the subtle energies inside and outside of me, although I’m still tuning back into the external world. I’m not really doing anything, just learning to be within the being, to exist in the stillness. I simply observe.
Becoming the watcher once again.
I’m in this space, in this body, on this Earth, spinning and whirling on a floating ball in the universe. Just a blip in the system. What are we doing? What are we supposed to be doing? It’s such an odd thing to be human. Are we here to clean up karma from our lineage? Are we here to be tested? We have all these different ways to "sin"—good deeds, bad deeds. But what's the point of complaining about anything?
Super Moon in Aries
It’s so strange; I don’t think humans have really changed that much. The evolution of technology gives the illusion of human evolution, but in reality, we’re either on the side of making cool stuff or using it.
I yearn for a simple life. I want to enjoy this Earth as she was meant to be enjoyed. To align with her rhythm and dance to her tune, not the other way around. If we could just look up at the moon and remember we are nothingness, we might arrive at a place of humility, love, and deep connection. From that place, we’ll find everything we need. Because, really, we’re just not all that. Just a bunch of little ants with two feet, crawling around on this rock with inflated egos, trying to convince each other of what's right and wrong, defining morals that are complex and comparative. But in the end, it's all an illusion, a way to divide us from ourselves and each other.
What a strange thing it is to despise someone because of the colour of their skin, the name on their passport, or the religion they were born into. What a bizarre thing it is to make another suffer because of how they believe in God, how they dress, or how much money they have. It’s all so strange—the way we raise our children, how resistant we are to change, and how easily we’re coerced into devastating ideologies.
We’re really not that bright. I want to say we’re borderline idiotic, but I know that’s not kind. Maybe we’re just a collection of dummies. You know, I believe in God. I believe in Source, in the Divine, in angels and guides, in beings that are exponentially more enlightened than us—a place we may never reach. But every now and then, I wonder: Is there something wrong with God’s manufacturing plant? Are they using expired ingredients?
Of course, maybe there’s a greater plan, and we’re just too limited in these human costumes to see it. And even if we could see it, maybe our minds are too limited to understand. Perhaps the truth is right in front of us, and that’s the problem—we’re too close to see it.
It always comes back to the mind. But why? Why is the mind so vulnerable? I understand the physical body reflects the Earth, and I see the soul as a reflection of the Divine. But what about the mind? Why is it so easily attacked, while the heart is so easily broken? Yes, the heart’s purpose is to love, but I feel there’s more to explore there. Or maybe we just need to learn what love really is because at the moment we’re fucking terrible at it.
The mind. The heart. One is easily manipulated, the other easily broken.
Living with an Open Broken Heart
I once heard a wise woman say that Buddhists live with an open broken heart. That sentiment stayed with me, and it’s what I strive for most today. My first test came unexpectedly, like a punch in the gut followed by an aching heart. Love takes many forms, but one thing they all have in common is that it hurts when it leaves.
I’ve realized I have anxiety about people leaving. It wasn’t something I considered until my ex pointed it out. My anxiety stems from the fact that the people I loved, and who should have loved me—who do love me—have left. Sometimes, they’ve left multiple times.
After my first love didn’t work out, I shut my heart completely. But the truth is, there wasn’t much effort needed in locking it up because I had already kept most of it on lockdown. Occasionally, I’d open it to take a peek at what could be, but mostly it was closed. It was a defence mechanism, a result of broken trust.
Whether rational or not, in my mind, trust had been broken. I didn’t feel like I mattered, so people would leave or make decisions that didn’t consider me. That’s been my reality, perhaps even since birth.
Today, though, I kept a promise I made to myself back in the summer of 2014. I committed to living with an open broken heart. I know it hurts right now, but I also know it’s the same pain that’s opening my heart a little wider. It’s the same pain that increases my capacity to love. It’s a pain that reminds me I’m starting to feel again.
Why people come into our lives is a mystery. But when you live from this place of openness, it’s a mystery worth exploring—and staying open to—now and forever.
I’ve come to realize that my journey in this lifetime, my greatest challenge, is to love and to be loved. Compared to that, everything else feels like a walk in the park.
I don’t know how this story ends, but one thing is certain: sadness is just a step closer to happiness.
To be continued...