Crossroads

I am feeling something stuck inside of me. I feel uneasy in my stomach and I'm not sure if it's mine, hers or both. She is going back today. It's one thing to know what we want and develop courage outside the environment in which the challenges exist and we step away from and it's another thing to go back into that environment, into the trenches and execute the plan, the change that we desire. It's hard to disconnect because hearts are broken, relationships are impacted. That's why so few do it. We don't want to get uncomfortable and we don't want to hurt others. It's so fucking hard. 

We are raised a particular way, we are raised through others lens for most of our life, so when we can no longer live with the queazy, uneasy feeling, we come to a crossroads where we either maintain status quo for the sake of others or we destroy everything to save the self, to reach out and pull the self out of the quicksand before it completely engulfs us to the point of no return. What we don't realize is that if we don't save the self in this lifetime, the next one will be a rerun of the one that preceded it. 

So, do you want to live the life you are living today, the life of suppression of self if you knew that the next life will be exactly the same unless you reach out that hand and rescue the self?

Hell to me is repeating a life of living unauthentically, living for others through the sacrifice of our own self. The biggest misconception is that focusing on the self is selfish and we should focus on helping others and place their needs above ours. Our capacity to love and help others is limited by the capacity to love and help ourself. We can't fill others tanks while ours is on empty.

I feel better after getting this out. I think I will type it to her. It will be the last journal entry she will receive before her flight. Is it possible that I already love her? Is it possible that all these random little moments connected us? If someone is guiding and helping me, thank you. Thank you for the guidance, for the little nudge in the right direction. So many mini crossroads and fortunately I was encouraged to flow in the direction of this woman who captures my heart.