Feeling into my Parts
Below are some of my reflections as I learn about and work through IFS exercises, a model created by Richard Schwartz. I am reading and working on his book No Bad Parts. I feel it’s a book that all who facilitate and participate in psychedelic experiences should read, it is a bridge and would have been very helpful in my earlier experiences, particularly for integrating healthily back into the earthly life we are living.
Day 2 in the Argan forest. I slept well, 8-8.5 hours. I dreamed but I don't recall any of them. Not as vivid. I feel better today, dropped into this environment. The first couple of days in a new environment are always a tough transition for the body, heart and mind. Yesterday was cloudy and windy, today it's windy but the sun is shining, both are beautiful. It will be nice to go for a walk later.
I have my laptop, three cups of liquid, coffee, cacao, and water. I love sipping on hot drinks, a close second is munching on snacks. I meditated in bed today and I brought in the IFS meditation. It's like how I meditate and tune into the tight areas of my body except for this time I'm having conversations with these parts like they are separate beings living inside of me. According to the IFS model, there are parts of me that still think that I, my Self, am a child. It was interesting experiencing them opening space so that I could enter like Moses parting the Red Sea in the Ten Commandments. This reminded me of my third sit with Don Juan earlier this year in the Amazonas and how everything just released/parted ways and now I see that the space created allowed my Self to enter my body.
I think my Self am hovering on the outside. It wants to enter but it doesn't have the space to enter. If the Self can't enter, is it because the 'parts' are protecting my inner child? Have they been protecting my inner child this entire time? This is fascinating to me. This IFS model seems to be guiding and helping to create space within, to connect with these parts of ourselves, heal them and have them let go of the responsibility of helping me, this body and being to survive so that one day knowingly or unknowingly the body is prepared to allow my higher Self to enter and steer the ship as it did during that third ceremony with Juan.
As much as I learned and experienced in that ceremony, and I take with me much of the strength and newfound awareness from those experiences when I return to my 'normal' environment my parts are eventually reactivated and continue playing the same roles as before. When I come back to Toronto the parts settle into their default protective mode. This now makes sense to me. I have always thought about this, but IFS is gifting me language and now I am beginning to see it from a different angle. With IFS I am connecting with these parts like I would connect with other humans. So, if these parts played a role in protecting and blending instead of being in their natural and full Self, what will life look like when all these parts inside of me return to their natural roles and create space for my Self to enter permanently? It's like when emotionally immature parents raise kids, and they need to evolve emotionally beyond their years to at times parent the parent and eventually parent themselves. The parts are the same way, if the Self can't protect us when we are younger and experiencing unsafe environments and too young and physically small to protect ourselves, other parts abandon the roles they came to play to protect our hearts, minds and souls. I think this is what happens.
There are some days where I feel completely tuned in and in flow, but most days I feel stuck. These parts in their unnatural roles could be the reason why. Some days my parts fully release and open the space to allow my Self to enter. Perhaps simultaneously they all feel safe in the environment they are in, or they feel safe around a particular individual and release and make space for my Self. This brings me to my theory that the soul lives behind the heart or perhaps within it.
When I reflect on the IFS model and compare it to my 3rd ceremony with Juan, it feels like my higher Self lives above my body. It's connected, ready and willing to enter this body but it didn't feel like it was entering from within, it felt like space was created and the Self came in from above. IFS are similar. Create space within your parts. Especially when the parts start blending, it's like they are weaving together webs, making it hard for my Self to enter my insides, it feels sticky when the self enters the web of parts.
Wherever the Self enters from, within or without, the heart needs to be open.
This raises another question. Who is preparing this body? When I am connecting with these parts who is the 'I'? Is it the self or the Self (aka the soul)? Is there only one 'I' or if there are multiple parts/beings within me, multiple 'I's'?
It doesn't matter. What’s important is to see the parts within you, to connect with them, to let them know that we are safe now and that the Self is 47 years old and no longer a child that they need to protect. What would be best for us now in this present moment is that they return home and play the roles that they were meant to play in this world which is this body.
My parts world is my body and my Self's world is this earth. They can't see beyond this body just like I can't see beyond this earth or this universe. With my eyes, I can see the sun, the moon, the stars, and some other planets but I can't truly experience it and most of the time I am simply here on this planet doing this human thing. My parts may see outside but they can't truly experience beyond that which lives in the body (aka their planet) they inhabit.
The Power of Touch
A few weeks ago, I was struggling. I met up with a dear friend, one of my favourite humans on this planet. We gave each other a nice long hug, and both released all that we were holding onto. No words were spoken, simply a hug and all was right again.
Touch is one of my love languages and I find myself at times in this big city starved for human touch. What an odd life. Millions of people yet so much loneliness. Fortunately, I have incredible friends who I just need to reach out to so part of it is on me. I can call any of them and they will be there for me.
I know we don't see each other as much as we used to or as often as we may want. Life is something. It can be overwhelming and it's easy to forget. But I have crossed paths with most of you at some point in my life and I know that a piece of each one of you will always reside within my heart. Thanks for your love and hugs. You are a gift, and I couldn't do this human stuff without you.
Love ya.
Spiritual Bypassing
So much delicious energy moving through my whole being at that moment. I am reconnecting with my sexual energy, connecting in a new way with my emotional energy which in turn is connecting me more deeply with my spirituality. All this is giving me the strength to keep moving forward. I will have moments where I doubt. I will have moments where fear will win for a moment. I'm ok with it. At Cafe 23 and glad that I decided to come here. it has a great energy to tap into my creativity.
Sexuality. Spirituality. Creativity. Remove one of these core aspects of our being and there will certainly be an imbalance. Rejection of any of these can lead to a lot of pain. It makes life so difficult when we suppress our sexuality. I don't understand why we can't see that. I hope that as I share my perspective, I can be part of the movement to normalize the expressions of emotions, and sexuality and how it's critical to being human and our survival. To love ourselves. To love others. To love this earth in which we inhabit. What a gift to be here.
Spiritual Bypassing. Something that I think about and observe in spiritual and religious groups and beings. It seemed to be magnified in the yoga world, but I see it in the Islamic world as well. This emphasis is on hell and heaven. Always talking about heaven and demonizing the natural parts of being. Like our sexual being. Our genitals. Demonizing women. Temptations they say. We suppress women in all cultures. Why? So men can walk around with less erections? How about we men learn to manage our energies? Better yet how about our schooling systems are revamped to teach men and women from a young age about sexual energy and guide us men who supposedly can't control their desires to use this energy towards their creativity? Or towards accessing their emotional being, opening and energizing their heart? You can't block sexual energy and practice celibacy like priests in the Catholic world for example if you aren't doing something consciously with this energy. If we shove this energy into the darkness, then it will be expressed from that place as we can see around us regardless of which part of the world, we live in. I've started to reconnect with Taoist sexual practices. I wasn't able to master it but I became pretty good at moving the energy within my own body, using this energy and pouring it into my work, into my relationships, into strengthening my heart, mind, and body and gifting my soul a strong container to express itself.
If we only focus on the heavens and the OM's trying to connect to the universe, to the divine, to God without working and evolving the other three layers, the physical, psychological, and emotional then it won't matter how pure our soul is because when the soul expresses itself it moves through each layer before it comes out and expresses itself into the world. Enlightenment is not getting to the heavens or connecting with the soul, if this is where we wanted to live then we would have never shown up here in the first place. What's the point of being in this human body if we aren't going to live it to the fullest? I don't know about you but I'm here to live and experience this gift of being human to the fullest and walk on my path. For me to do that I want to live in alignment. I do this deep work in all the layers for myself, for those who came before me and for those who are to come after. I do this work for you and me and hope that when we cross paths this love I cultivate within myself pours into your being and vice versa.
Suppressing and Expelling Emotions
It can be quite overwhelming when emotions arise to the surface. I'm working on a couple of projects now that are activating and bringing up sometimes small waves and other times it feels like a tsunami.
Yesterday was one of those days. I have not-so-healthy ways to either suppress these feelings or release them. This can include binging Netflix which is a form of suppression or eating donuts or crushing a bag of chips or popcorn and even porn. In the past it was cigarettes. Unhealthy ways to release could be spending money on things I don't need or masturbation. These are easy ways to release but they aren't a long-term solution. They don't get to the root of what is going on at a deeper level just a temporary relief.
Some healthy ways to move and release this energy that arises in the process of opening the heart are yoga, meditation, long walks, or spending time in nature. Another practice I have been cultivating over the past few years to accompany my writing is drawing while listening to music. Pen to paper whether it's writing or drawing is pure magic.
We all have unhealthy habits, the key I found for myself is to remove the shame and guilt that accompany these habits. This isn't helpful. Just as we observe our thoughts in meditation while cultivating self-awareness of the present state of our minds, I'm learning that the same approach applies when we are moving through the process of opening our hearts. To simply observe the feelings. I'm not worried about naming them or trying to understand them. Simply deepening my awareness without judgment, shame, or guilt. Easier said than done but possible.
Emotional Explorations
From a very young age, one of my favourite things to do was to lie down on the grass and watch the clouds dance. It was also one of my favourite activities when I used to get high (along with eating chips and kissing). I especially love the way the clouds and the sun play together.
Fast forward to the present, these ever-changing formations mirror my emotions. Changing and shifting from moment to moment.
It's been almost a year since I began diving deeper into my emotional being. The first step was developing awareness which is ongoing. Now I'm learning to identify my emotions and learn the language of emotions, how to name them as they arise from the darkness. The only ones I'm well versed in are anger, shame, and guilt.
Bringing up suppressed emotions has not been easy, and my ability to write about it is limited. I can feel more but I lack the language now to speak about them with clarity, but I'll get there.
One of the challenges of opening the emotional doors is in the short term I am extra sensitive and easily triggered. The gates to the castle are down. I'm learning to change my response in moments when I'm triggered. I don't know if I can remove triggers cultivated by emotional pain from my childhood, but I know I can train myself to process and respond from a place of love as opposed to reacting with anger.
It's no secret that men have not been given permission to express themselves emotionally, at least not the full spectrum of emotions. The message is that men aren't emotional, yet anger is accepted. It's not that we aren't emotional, it's that we were taught to suppress our emotions which are then stored in different areas of our body and mind depending on the emotion. This leads to a whole array of physical and mental complications and impacts the quality of our relationships and how the masculine shows up in the world.
My hope is that on the other side of this part of my journey, I will arrive at a place where I can love all beings unconditionally and live permanently with an open broken heart which is the inevitable side effect.
To be continued...
Salsa - Learning to Lead in Dance and Life
I can't stop the patterns, but I can replace them, and drown the old ones out via the process of conscious neglect. I can root down. Some want to continue a legacy but for me, I prefer to pause the old legacy and do the work to pave a new path. It's not my parent's fault, they did their best based on what they received. They lived life but they also have an unlived life which is often if not always projected onto the child. Salsa exposed my weakness as a man from a relationship perspective very quickly. I am timid. Unlike other areas in my life where I lead quite well, in this area I am soft and have much to learn. How to be soft but strong, to lead with subtle cues using the hands to guide the woman so she feels safe to play to release?
From spending time in the jungles of Peru, learning about different plant medicines (more on this later), to surfing on the coast of Ecuador to dancing salsa in Cali, Colombia, known as the salsa capital of the world, I have been consciously filling this life I have been gifted. Remembering or at least trying to remember why I decided to come here at this moment.
I've attempted salsa lessons a few times in my life, but it seemed challenging. I cultivated my own style over many years of dancing. For those of you who know me from the beginning, I have been dancing since I was able to walk. There was always something inside of me that yearned to move, watching, and recording endless music videos, from R&B to hip hop to house, my style evolved into something unique to me and became one of few escapes from a chaotic life but in my late 20's, aside from a couple of special occasions and when the mood would arise, I mostly stopped dancing. It wasn't fulfilling me the same way as it once did.
During this recent visit to Cali, I committed to learning. In 10 days, I took 10 hours of private classes and almost 20 hours of group classes. That's a lot of dancing! It was challenging in the beginning because what felt natural to me, I needed to let go if I wanted to learn this new way of movement (a lesson for everyday life no?). It was tough but I got through the hard part. I was able to let go of the style I cultivated over many years and day by day was able to adopt the Cali style of Salsa. I am still a beginner but thanks to my amazing teachers at Salsa Pura, Mayra, Camillo and Carlo, I made some good progress in a short amount of time.
Electronic and hip hop is more individual freestyle movement as opposed to partner dancing. I was a little surprised at how uncomfortable I was with dancing with women let alone leading. I had no idea how bad I was at this but upon reflection, it's not much different when I am in a relationship with women. I think I'm a good leader within the context of family, friends and in business but in romantic relationships, boy do I need a lot of practice. The good news is salsa is a great way to learn. It's teaching me a lot more than dancing. It brings up inherited and cultivated insecurities. So, I'm not just deprogramming a previous style of dancing and learning some new steps, but also my relationship within the context of intimacy and partnership.
Another lesson I learned very quickly is my progress depended on how much or how little time I spent in my head as opposed to in my body. In the beginning, while learning new steps (I learned about 20) we need to get it into our brain but if I wanted to make any type of progress, it was dependent on how much time I spent feeling into my body as opposed to thinking my way through the movement.
For years now, sitting in meditation, and practicing yoga, the purpose of these practices has been to get more into my body, to open my heart and learn how to live from there. Salsa is no different from meditation or yoga, it's a practice to connect with my whole being, especially mi corazón. Moving on the dance floor via the heart will then translate (I hope) to moving through all areas of my life this way. Love. Thinking through life or learning to love through life? I am focused on cultivating the latter. We can never have too much love, but there is a limit to how much time should be spent thinking my way through life. Too much thinking cultivates a narrow pathway and in the heady process I have missed so much of what this life has wanted to gift me.
I am loving the track El Nino by Ignacio Maria Gomez. I know it's not a salsa song, but it represents where I am at this moment and what I have been working so hard to cultivate in my life. Play. One way to play for me is to dance. We all have the things that we nerd out in our life. For me, it's dancing. If I'm not dancing, I'm not fully playing. There are three P's I've been cultivating in 2023. Peace. Patience. Play. Play requires patience. The more patience I cultivate the more I play with ease and the more I play, the more at peace I feel within.
"Si el niño quiere jugar, ¿porqué no lo hace bailar?"
(If the child wants to play, why not make him dance?"
How to Serve?
Today in my morning pages I reflected a lot on last night. I had some drinks, quite rare for me these days but happy to be in the energy of the gin and soda. Two was enough to get me in a sweet state. One was good enough for me if I am honest.
Later in the night, we went to a techno club, not my jam. I much would have preferred to experience a Reggaeton club. It was nice to be out but too loud for me, so I left earlier and just walked around, observing the mix of locals and foreigners and the young women working the streets. A judgment-free zone within and with no desires. Simply observing.
This is part of our world; it always has been and always will be. It brought up many questions this morning. Questions for God, for the divine and for anyone on the other side who is willing to listen.
Why are we here? Why did we need to come into this physical form, this planet, this moment in time? Why couldn't we do what we needed to do in our pure soul form? The body must be quite sacred, this physical structure teaching us something that our soul alone is unable to. The soul without the body you think would be limitless, but it needs the body to accomplish that which it came here for, but the questions continued to flow from within. What is it that we are here for? What's the micro purpose? What's the macro purpose? For example, healing our lineages, why is it that we need to be in human form? Why can't we heal simply from the level of the soul when so many of the healing practices from an energetic level are tuning into the divine, the greater universal energy?
This idea of free will to choose how we want to live our life at this moment is an odd one for me. There is a sweet spot however in this human form if we are willing to do the work on all levels. The sweet spot is when we reach an age where our soul and body are on even playing ground. We are balanced and we can connect and dance between both realms with more ease.
We begin to understand the mind for what it really is, its main purpose anyways, which is to bridge this physical world and the soul world. When our mind is ill, this connection is blocked or filtered. Pure light is unable to shine in or shine out. There is a constant rejuvenation of the spirit. Sometimes the mind is so sick that our spirit, our soul completely checks out because it can't survive within the body, there is no space for it to live and to stay would be incredibly damaging.
Sometimes, the souls leave an empty body behind, neither dead nor alive, stuck in the darkness in between. This makes me incredibly sad because I can feel the suffering, I see them and I'm helpless as are their loved ones. I don't know why but this brings tears to my eyes. I cry for all those that are suffering so deeply. Lost in this world and lost in the next. The mind is ill. It needs support. That is one thing that I did see yesterday, it is important for me to play in all worlds because then I know for myself where we stand from the different corners of this planet.
What am I here for? How do you want me to serve this Mundo, serve these beings? I've done a lot of work within, but I really need some guidance on how to bring this into the world at this moment in time. I have the potential to have an impact on the macro but knowing where to begin is still unclear.
Never
Never. A word that I am not a fan of because it puts everything to an absolute halt. It takes away possibility. It is worse than the word fuck.
How many times do you say never?
How many times are you removing possibility from your life?
From others?
From this world?
What does it mean to live in a world of possibility?
Possibility is freedom and 'never' is the opposite.
Balls of Memory
Can I share a little secret with you? When I was younger, my friends and I played a lot of street hockey. One day I was playing net, and one of my friends took a close-range slap shot the tennis ball kissed my balls making me weak and falling to the ground with a pain that is permanently stored in my memory to this day. So much so that when others share stories of the physical pain of any kind, I feel their pain in my balls. No joke. So next time any of you want to share this type of story, please keep in my mind that is equivalent to you whipping a tennis ball at my nutty nuts. I’m not saying don’t share, I simply want you to think twice and ensure that this is a necessity.
Now, you may be wondering, Talib, why now? Why are you sharing this story at this moment? Well, I wanted to demonstrate how the memory of pain can embed itself so deeply within us. This translates to emotional, psychological, and spiritual pain as well. Perhaps I share this story because next time you are triggered or trigger another, maybe we (including me) can have a little more compassion for ourselves and for others, knowing that past pains are stored deep within us and will not release so easily. Next time you unknowingly activate another’s pain, all I’m asking is you think about my balls. It's simply a suggestion.
Now, I don’t know how to rid of this memory, but I am working on it. At this moment, however, I’m more concerned with the emotional pains that are stored deep within. These pains, as much as we try and tuck them away get stirred up inside of us the same way the waxing and waning of the moon shake up internal bodies of water, the same occurs with our emotions because what element reins over our emotions? You guessed it, good old agua!
Embracing the Physical Form
Consciousness begins with the body. Scanning the different energy centres, bringing awareness. Focus on the centre and learn about the organs that reside there. Our organs hold memories, positive and negative. The more time we bring our awareness in these different areas, the more information we can learn about ourselves which can help guide us to better health, to discover and tune into our own wisdom. Take a moment to reflect on this, all our organs, every cell are working without us doing anything. There is an incredible amount of untapped intelligence within each one of us and the only thing that is keeping us from this is our own awareness. Simply placing our attention within. In my experience, the main purpose of meditation is to cultivate awareness, not to reach a state of divinity. We can worry about that when we are dead but for this moment, we have chosen to be in this body so let's spend a little more time here shall we?
Why is it important to spend more time in the body? Because when we tune into our bodies, three things happen. One, we learn where we need to heal and second, we can tap into a greater intelligence that lives within each one of us. Third, we begin to tune into the macro and develop a deeper understanding and relationship with the planet in which we live. Our bodies and this planet mirror each other. If we can heal and be kinder to ourselves, and each other then maybe, we can heal and be kinder to this planet which we inhabit.
To reach enlightenment, a connection to divinity, to the heavens, this is a side effect but it's not the purpose of meditation while we embody human form. We have chosen to experience this physical form, each for a unique purpose. To learn and remember what this unique purpose is to each one of us. Meditation is one way to tune into this, to gain clarity as to why we are here.
Deep down we already know, misery and mental illness are a result of too much unnecessary 'stuff' that we have collected and continue to collect. Hoarding and consuming excessive information. Simply take a scan of your external environment. All that you have collected, does it bring you clarity or does it cloud your vision. Illness is a result of overconsumption. They are directly related. Consumption of unnecessary material goods and information.
Why do we consume so much? Lately, I am beginning to think it's because of the state of our emotions. Why are we so disconnected from this part of us? Emotional blockages I believe are a major reason for the current state of humanity and its addiction to collecting beyond what is needed.
Here is a little exercise I played with today. When we try to meditate it's common for most of us to get caught up in the thoughts that swirl around in our head and a common practice is to return our attention to the breath. This cycle continues for part or all of our meditation. This is normal. Instead of returning to your breath, explore the different centres in your body. For example, bring your awareness to your root, the area of your sexual organs. Every time your mind rises back to the brain, return to the root. The more you do this, you will begin to receive information from that area. Try the same with the sacral area which is around your kidneys and slowly move upwards to the solar which is the liver and stomach area. Focus on the area below the heart to start. Set a timer for 5-10 mins each day and simply observe what thoughts and feelings arise. To have thoughts in meditation is ok, in fact, it's necessary. Thoughts are not the problem, it's that our minds are generally parked in our brains most of the time. What we want is to move the mind into different areas of our body. This gives the brain a break and allows you to start tuning into the intelligence that you possess in different areas of your body.
Observing the Elements
The clouds reflect the mood of the ocean. The sun is a constant, the masculine, predictable. He feeds the life within her. By observing and being with the ocean and the clouds above, the sun and the moon, we can learn so much about the masculine and feminine dance, and learn about ourselves and others because each of us carries these energies within us. I always thought I needed to be in a relationship to fulfill this emptiness that resided within me from a very young age, but I simply needed to spend time with the elements. What a gift it is to be human. To be on this planet during this moment in time. This world is not as dark as some would like us to believe. The light shines bright, we simply need to learn how to see again, to draw the curtains within our minds. Only then can we begin to change the narrative within and begin the process of cleansing.
We need not worry about this planet because she will and is finding ways to cleanse. We need to cleanse the pollution that lives within our minds, to dissolve the patterns and programs that have been passed down and cultivated for generations. Yes, there are two opposing forces out there, but those opposing forces live within us as well and if we want to cultivate a new way of being with the external world then we must cultivate a new way of being within our internal world.
Sunday was my last night in Ayampe, Ecuador. I spent a little over two weeks here and one week prior in Montanita. Both are beautiful but have very different vibes. One is a little more energetically active than the other. In Montanita I committed to learning how to surf, three lessons and practicing every day. I was able to stand up on the board but more importantly, I learned about the feminine, and how she flows, moment to moment. How to be patient and embrace the constant change with lightness. To relax, to ground even when she is kicking my ass.
To be out in the ocean with the surfboard during sunset was a gift I will forever cherish. I continued practicing in Ayamape, deepening my relationship with the ocean and understanding the feminine energy and how she flows.
It was a short stay but the feminine gently tugged at the strings within me, showing me where I needed to direct my gaze, to heal, to evolve. I am grateful for the elements and every human I was fortunate to meet. Grateful for my friend Brooke who invited me to this land.
A Life of Lovers or a life of Partnership
I know I am in my final stages and that I need to be more patient than ever. The process of becoming a man is seemingly a lifelong process. Unhealed wounds and unhealthy relationship models have kept me stuck. Of course, I wish I had known this when I was younger, but I chose the life I have at this moment and all the moments that preceded this one. To be a man comes in many phases, our societies and cultures have placed a definition on what this looks like. I have checked off many of the boxes that meet the requirements. Reaching a level of success in areas like work, a roof over my head, food on the table, and support for my family, immediate and extended, creates this strong foundation beneath me, not just for myself but for all my loved ones, friends and family. It's a large foundation where many can visit and stay for a while. Some may think that I am talking in terms of finances, but I am speaking more energetically.
Where I have failed one can say in the process from boy to man is in relationships. How our parents love and care for one another is crucial to this development. If the environment is less than positive, then we will have our work cut out for us. It can and has at times been a tumultuous ride. At the age of 45, I realized the missing link in my development. I have spent much time cultivating a spiritual, psychological and physical and energetic being but there was a piece missing. The evolution to become a 'man’ was missing something. After two difficult relationships that have led me down another internal tunnel of introspection, I learned that the missing piece was my emotional being. I have learned and still learning to cultivate strong emotional bonds with my friends and family. I am in deep gratitude for these relationships. I have also cultivated a healthier emotional connection with myself as well, also an ongoing process. The one area in which I kept repeating the same patterns was in a romantic partnership.
See, I grew up in chaos. If you were to ask my parents, they may agree or disagree with this but if you were to ask my siblings they would likely be on board. Parents have a way of dismissing hardships that they brought upon the family by reminding us of all the good they did and although this is true, not acknowledging the not-so-great aspects of the so-called family experience leaves children with a little hole inside. To dismiss or not acknowledge the negative parts leaves kids with a feeling of emptiness within and is the seed to developing insecurities, feelings of not being good enough, guilt and shame and in this process, we also end up with not-so-ideal partners. We choose what we know, and, in my case, I know chaos. The more I developed spiritually, psychologically and physically the more conflict I felt inside emotionally. I will subconsciously call into my life partners that mirror the energy in which I grew up but this other part of me that is a little more evolved rejects this type of connection. Important to note that not only am I calling in chaos and immature partners, women (not all) who are still girls in an emotional sense, but I also bring into the relationship a chaotic energy because that's what I feel comfortable in. The lower self or the old self finds this chaotic energy exciting, but my higher Self wants nothing to do with it.
Eight months of celibacy later, not even a kiss, I am here, requiring more patience than ever. I am open to meeting women but not ready to go deeper. I recently met five women whom, I crossed paths with and each of them pulled at different energetic and emotional strings. I observe myself; I write and sit in meditation and tune into what parts of me each one of them is pulling at. See, I want an emotionally mature woman if I am to go down the path of a monogamous relationship. In order for this to happen I need to both heal the wounds within and evolve from an emotional child to an emotionally evolved man in the relationship. As to where this emotional immaturity comes from and why it activates within when I'm dating is a story for another day, but it is now in my consciousness which is the most important step. I know to attract a woman I need to first cultivate emotional maturity myself and envision how and whom I want to be in partner with.
I thought I needed to be in a relationship to do this but I am learning about the feminine by simply spending time in nature. By watching and spending time with the Ocean I can see how she moves in many different directions, no day is the same, and no moment is the same. I can feel her strength and her force when my body connects with hers. I can see and feel how she cleanses. She is a force. A force which I want in my life, but if I am not evolved emotionally, I will drown and lose myself which I have, many times. Fortunately, I have had a life jacket close by all the time. Guides, seen and unseen that always watch over me. So much love for all of them.
In meditation, I tuned into each woman and was able to feel our energies together and determine whether this was a friend, a sister, a lover or a potential partner. The ability to do this now will save me and others a lot of heartaches and bring clarity without having the need to date or go too deep. Remember that hole that I was speaking about earlier, the one left by our parents when they don't acknowledge or recognize the pain in which they brought into our lives? I'm specifically speaking about the emotional being. The most important realization is that this emptiness inside of me can only be filled by me and the reason I was always yearning for partnership was that I was looking to fill a hole that can never be filled by any external being or thing outside of myself. Not even God. Only I can fill this emptiness and it becomes with making that which is unconscious conscious. Although celibacy is challenging for me, it's less so since I have nurtured and healed the emotional wounds within, the wounds that were preventing me from evolving and becoming an emotionally mature man, one that can be a partner to the type of woman in which I want to call into my life.
I am in the middle, observing my two different desires. One, is to have a monogamous partnership, something I have desired for a very long time. The other to have many different lovers as each woman I've made love to is so unique and beautiful, the idea of only being with one woman for the remainder of my life seems (to a part of me) quite limiting. So I stay here in the middle of these two desires, with little action but a lot of gentle observation within, paying attention to the strings in which the women I cross paths with pull inside of me.
A Guide Towards Emotional Maturity
I don't know where to begin. I've written this many times, wanting to share my exploration with you, but each time I write, each time I read, each time I reflect another door seems to open. I will add this book to the short list of incredibly impactful books in my life. It's been a twenty-year journey of extracting the old programs and installing new ones more aligned with my spirit. Physical, psychological, spiritual and now emotional. When we work in one area, there is inevitable chipping away at other areas of our being. My coach asked me why I dived into my emotional being at this moment. It took me a minute to reflect on it. The answer is that I have been chipping away at this fortress I have built from a very young age and finally reached the foundation, the deep roots planted and nurtured by others and myself. It's dark and gunky down there, this book scraping the last little bits.
As kids, some of us grow up in environments and experience upbringings that impact our physical, psychological, spiritual and emotional well-being in a way that our subconscious begins to build a fortress of protection so we can have a fucking chance of survival in this world.
Yes, this book is validating but it's not to look at those who raised me and put any blame because first, the deeper I dive, the more I realize that this is beyond them, it's generational behaviour passed down. Second, this book shows me where I have evolved emotionally and where I have work to do. I can tell you something about my own parents, they have evolved beyond what their parents reached in many ways, so it's my turn, to continue the work, to be grateful that I had the primary physical needs met that gifted me the opportunity to dive deep and clean up and evolve other areas of my lineage.
One last thing I wanted to share. We hear a lot about doing inner child work but as I began thinking about evolving my own emotional maturity, I learned along with the inner child, there is my inner teenager, inner 20's and 30's Talib. The struggles I face in some areas of my life seem to correlate with the misalignment between these different versions of myself. I worked hard to evolve my physical, psychological and spiritual but with areas of emotional immaturity within, I was circling the same karmic roundabout over and over, the lack of awareness holding me back from moving to the next version of my Self in this lifetime.
If you decide to pick this book up, it likely may be triggering but I hope that you see these triggers as keys that open up the doors within you waiting to be explored.
Joyful Insignificance in a Floating Ball
As I awoke from a little nap, listening to the waves while looking up at the sky, the sun shining down on me I had a thought. I am living in a ball that is floating in empty black space. Somehow, for some weird reason, I am here at this moment.
This lead me down the path of reminding myself of how insignificant I am and how I have been trained to think otherwise. Most things, maybe even everything in this moment matter very little. Most of the things, the worries and concerns, the things on which I place importance like my thoughts and views, the tasks that need to get done, that don't get or get done, it all doesn't matter. The world still seems to go around, the sun follows the same pattern each day moving from east to west. I wake up and I sleep then begin the cycle all over again the next day although I'm not as dependable or consistent as the sun these days or perhaps I've never been in my life. Routine, consistency, dependable, there are waves of it but it's inconsistent at best. I've been like this my entire life, it's okay. Some things will change other things will remain the same. Perhaps I am simply inconsistently consistent. Ah yes, that sounds about right.
I went on to think about Adam and Eve and dinosaurs. Once upon a time, there were dinosaurs. That's quite weird and also brings me to this present day. I wonder if our dinosaur ancestors played so much importance to oneself. I mean they seemingly fought a lot and could be quite vicious. I mean please take what I am saying with a grain of salt because my education comes from Jumanji and a Jehovah's witness visitor when I was 9 years old who was handing out pamphlets with a dinosaur on the front page. It was only ten cents! Parents were sleeping but you know the couches in those days held some change from the unreliable pant pockets. I was of course quickly disappointed as I sat excitedly opening up the pamphlet to learn that there is nothing actually about dinosaurs. Ah well for a moment I thought it was the best Saturday ever, morning cartoons and dinos. Living my best life.
Anyways, about Adam and Eve, I think this story is like the front cover of that Jehovah's witness pamphlet. When you start the deeper exploration you begin to understand that the front page does not align with the story within. Truth is unfortunately something that is owned by the one with the most influence and power. What we believe today and how we live (at least I will speak for myself), is not exactly the truth. See, what happens is when a lie gets carried on for so long, passed down from generation to generation, it eventually moulds into the 'truth'. Now, it's important to remember that the things that did not align with the original lie but were truths were either thrown out or there were inaccurate stories about those truths that have been passed down from generation to generation, which also eventually moulded into pseudo truths. I don't know if this makes any sense but hopefully, you get a little bit of what I am trying to say. And if you are completely lost and wondering if I am high. The answer is unfortunately not at this moment.
This brings me back to this floating ball that I currently call home. Remembering how small I am along with how ridiculous humans (including me) are, I will commit to taking it easy on myself and not give so much energy to all the thoughts of significance I hold about myself and the little mini-universe that lives inside of me and all the other planets that live outside of me. Ah, by other planets I am talking about you and me. I like to think of us as all little planets, individual planets of this one little planet. We say that we are a child of God. Perhaps, God, Gods, Universe, whatever you want to believe is irrelevant to me. I will say for myself, I am a child of God, yes, but I am also a child of this earth because I am made up of the materials from which she too is made off. So, this little insignificant being is both a child of the Universe and Mother Earth. They are my mother and father. To respect them, I simply need to respect myself. To love them, I simply need to love myself.
Everything I need is right here with me. Phew, what a relief.
The Path to Healing
What is your relationship with the most precious place in this Universe? Why is it that our relationship with her is so tumultuous? Why are entire countries, cultures and humans that want to suppress her, mutilate her, blocking her power physically, energetically and spiritually? If it makes a dollar we will embrace her else we will simply tuck her away and cover her up with shame and guilt. By suppressing her we suppress the divine within all of us, masculine and feminine. If we want to tackle the destruction of this earth it is a requirement to heal our relationship with this expansive beauty. When we learn to treat her with the love and respect that is required, it will naturally flow into a healthier relationship with the mother, with this beautiful planet. It is all divinely interconnected.
You may be asking yourself, Talib are you saying if we build a healthier, more loving and respectful relationship with the Vagina that it will heal this planet in which we currently reside in? Yes, that is exactly what I am saying. Sexuality and spirituality are two sides of the same coin. I wrote a piece a few years back. It's called God Is In My Genitals. If we want to connect and heal our relationship with source, if we truly want to make a change, we need to connect more deeply with our sexuality. Humans have blocked source from gracing its presence onto this planet. Instead of a two way street we have created two one way streets, a benefit to the business of religion.
By blocking the lower energy centres, our sexuality, creativity and relationship with abundance is blocked. We have also blocked the energy of earth to move through us fully filling our energetic body. I learned recently when our lower energetic centres are blocked, the energy from earth gets stuck and returns back into earth, never able to connect with the energy from the heavens that enters from above. When we open ourselves up, heal our sexual energy we naturally evolve spirituality. Heaven and earth are yearning to dance within each one of us.
Take a moment, be truly honest with yourself. Reflect on the question why do the major religions and governments (same, same) do all they can to suppress sexuality? It hasn't decreased the dark side of sexuality, in fact it has nurtured it. It has left us empty, searching to fill the void through media, alcohol, drugs, food etc..., closing ourselves off to the world within us. We are so full of shit (literally), we are unable to connect with ourselves. Connection with self includes connecting more deeply with our sexuality, our root and sacral, opening up the entrance way for source to grace us with the beauty from above and connect with Pachamama from below.
You, me, we are the solution. It's not out there. When you tap into source (aka your beautiful genitals) suppression from those with agendas that don't serve the greater humanity will be drowned out by the energy of source flowing from within you.
Surrendering into Breath
Quote gifted to me this week by my lovely coach.
"Caminante, no hay camino. Se hace camino al andar. (Traveller, there is no path, The path must be forged as you walk). Anthony Machado
I arrived on this beautiful land. Guided. Trusting in the unseen. That I will meet the people that I need to connect with. That I'm exactly where I need to be. It is a way to give up control. To let go and surrender. Learning to share space with others, learning to give, to love, to connect deeply. I feel full. This life in which I have chosen, this path of the unknown I'm walking, how could I live any other way in this moment? Doubt does hover around time to time, but I reflect on all the beautiful connections and I return to the energy that accompanies surrendering.
I am cultivating flow on this journey. I'm not forcing anything, allowing life to guide me along. To be human is not to control. To control leaves us tight. It squeezes our insides until we can no longer breathe. It happens gradually over time, perhaps from the moment we arrived on the scene, that we aren't even aware that we have stopped breathing. All seems normal because everyone around us has also stopped breathing.
Take a moment, begin from ten and count down. Breathing deep into your belly. Close your eyes if that feels good. This is a practice I've incorporated in my morning meditation practice. Usually at the end of the sit. I do three rounds of this breathing into the belly. The inhale and exhale counts as one cycle. Try it out. It will only take a couple minutes. How do you feel before and after? Did you feel a shift after 1-3 cycles of intentional breathing?
Many have developed a negative association with the word meditation. There are some out there that may speak about these practices in a way that turns you off. But the answer is not to shift away from meditation practices. It is such a vast practice with so many beautiful techniques to heal the current state of the human mind. It's a disservice to write off the whole because of a few, a disservice to yourself and to the collective. But I understand. Why wouldn't you? All the major religions have done their best to banish these techniques that empower us and connect more deeply within ourselves.
Religion has been manipulated by the agendas of a few. What we are left with today is an empty shell. Because we have been convinced into thinking that the divine is outside of us but the buried truth is we are born from source, therefore we are source. The divine is not ‘out there’ it is within each one of us. I recently read a beautiful description of breathing. When we breathe consciously, we breathe our spirits into our bodies. When we develop the awareness and understanding that we can access the divine within us, the power and control of the few transitions to the power of the many. The many who have denounced mainstream religion is because of this feeling of emptiness. At some point in history the religions themselves stopped breathing in the divine.
Why is it that the world has more 'house of gods' in all of human history, yet the human injustices around the world have increased? Shouldn't these institutions be nourishing more justice? Shouldn’t there be less homelessness, less children starving, more safety for women, more evolved masculine consciousness and ways to be nurturing towards this planet that holds us with so much love? Why do we continue and evolve the ways of brokenness? Who benefits from continuous feeding and polluting of the ecosystem? I wonder, who is feeding whom? Is religion feeding capitalism? Or is capitalism feeding religion? My thoughts? They are one and the same. One simply hides under the umbrella of ‘non-profit’.
So here we are. The ones that the mainstream will call kafirs. It is the kafirs who are reviving the soul of the mainstream, through the many modalities of meditation and reviving ancient spiritual practices. They are doing us a favour and with time, the soul will once again reunite with the physical, the human body. We will once again take full cycles of breath with ease and all the illnesses this world faces will dissolve. Illness is a result of slow and steady tightening of our insides. When we breathe deeply together, the rituals will once again reunite with our souls. Then we will witness the life that was meant to be.
"To labor in the world of learning, research, or in the artistic world, one attempts again and again to refine one’s sense of readiness so that the great images or thoughts can approach and be received. The sense of smell includes the sensuality of fragrance, but the dynamic of breathing also takes in the deep world of prayer and meditation, where through the rhythm of the breath you come down into your own primordial level of soul. Through breath meditation, you begin to experience a place within you that is absolutely intimate with the divine ground. Your breathing and the rhythm of your breathing can return you to your ancient belonging, to the house, as Eckhart says, that you have never left, where you always live: the house of spiritual belonging."
O'Donohue, John. Anam Cara
The Gift of Play
I spent early this morning on Instagram reels, usually something dancing or adventure related. One real was playing a George Michael song and I decided to go down the 80's lane for quite a while before I ended up in the 90's slow jam lane and dozed in and out of sleep while listening to Jodeci, Shai, H-town, Boyz to Men and so many others.
But first the 80's. It really got my insides moving. At some point in life I stopped dancing (in many areas of my life) but I literally remember some point in my late 20's I hung up my dancing shoes. The spark was not there anymore. In the 80's I use to spend hours and hours by myself at home dancing, learning all the moves from music videos. Remember Much Music and MTV? Is that still around? Is watching music videos a thing for the younger generation? I guess it would be on Youtube. I loved it. I had dozens of VHS tapes with recorded music videos and music award shows.
Listening to the 80's woke up the dancing spirit again. Not fully but its nice to know that it still lives inside me and hasn't dissolved away. I think I stopped because at some point I wasn't dancing for myself anymore. I was pretty good so at our family jams and weddings I would always be asked to dance and the attention felt good but after a while and followed by many years of clubbing and dancing/battling in circles which was also fun, something was lost. I missed simply dancing for myself at home, dancing simply for the pure feeling of joy.
I share this because I really have lost a sense and feeling of joy in life and I'm working to recapture it once again, to reconnect with that part of me. To find things to do in life that are simply for the sake of fun, for having a good fucking time. No booze or other mind altering substances required. I want to dance again, freely, like no one is watching but okay and not conscious if others are, not worrying about what others think. I have lived that life for a long time and it still lingers inside of me, this worry about what others think. Funny, I'm also never thinking that others have a positive view, I always think that others are seeing me negatively or that I'm doing something wrong. Does anyone else feel like this?
On this journey it is a gift I'm going to give myself.
Love | Laughter | Fun | Joy | Lightness
Two humming birds had paid me a visit in the last few days. They are wise little beings. I of course headed over to Google for the symbolism of my new cute little friends. Here is a little excerpt from one site.
"The hummingbirds wisdom carries an invitation to take part in and draw to you life's sweetness, like you would drink the nectar of your own flower".
"Open your heart and expose yourself to more joy and love."
That is exactly what I am going to do while listening to some old school 90's slow jams because I use to love the love. That to got lost in the shuffle of life somewhere in the process of adulting.
Searching Together In Isolation - Part Two
In the original post I ended with "in insolation love does not flow". My friend Kathryn asked for me to share more on this. I’ve been reflecting and rereading my original post from a few days ago and below I wanted to share my thoughts on isolation but also on solitude and the difference between the two.
In isolation love does not flow. When I cut myself out from the world, generally I am isolating through judgment. The moment I judge, I catch myself because I have entered the 'this or that' mind. Judgment separates beings. Fear separates beings. The moment we are separated we have isolated, not just the other, but we have isolated a part of ourselves and when we isolate ourselves, we decrease the flow of love, the giving and the receiving that naturally occurs. Personally, I'm working daily on dissolving judgment and the ego in order to open up more, to keep the taps of love open. It is a work in progress!
Then there is solitude. What is the difference between solitude and isolation? For me solitude means spending time on my own, to be comfortable with my whole self, mind, body and soul. To isolate would mean to do everything I can so I don't have to be with myself, with my mind. Distractions such as media, food, drinks, sugar, unaligned socializing etc... Isolation doesn't mean spending time on your own. To isolate means spending time in this world doing all we can to prevent creating a relationship with the deeper parts of our self. If we are unable to connect deeply with ourselves then how can we connect deeply with others?
If we aren't connecting deeply with ourselves then likely we judge ourselves and swimming in the ocean of not good enough (I'm still drying off parts of myself). To be in solitude is to be so comfortable and loving with your self that it spills out into all dimensions, this life and the life beyond. Words are not required, your mere presence will fill another with love, warmth and joy. This is solitude.
Isolation leaves us disconnected. Solitude lands us in the ocean of universal love.
Preservation
The story. It's complicated. But not impossible. It's hard to read and understand. Why is it written over and over again? Seemingly the same but different. Subtle shifts upon each awakening. A sharper, more attentive gaze. We begin to see.
The story runs deep.
The sight can reach only so far before the feels take over. They adapted. They had no choice. The contributions went internal. Into the darkest part of ones being, the depths of the soul. Waiting for the moment we can arise again. This is not a solo journey. It never is. Never was.
The illusion.
We fall because we are limited by our own senses. They had no choice. It was a momentary sacrifice. Needed for those still yet to come. Temporary suppression. Long term survival.
Preservation.
They knew, even if it was subconscious. To feel in that moment, to open the heart and expose the soul. It would have ended the story. Burned the spine of the book from which you were created.
Gratitude.
Searching Together In Isolation
Learning to mix up my days. I have stepped very far away from some things and closer to others. Meditation. Writing. Breathing, consciously. Knowing the difference. The difference between here and there. It's a shift indeed. This place. This place is a place one is searching for their entire life but its an unconscious search. How do you know you're searching when you're not even sure what the search is. This is very confusing. I know. It certainly was for me but I think I have an answer but please, feel free to critique as you please.
I forgot the answer.
Just like that it has temporarily escaped. Where it goes I always wonder. It's funny because if its meant to be, it always returns and if it doesn't? Well, thats sad but you learn to move on. These thoughts and ideas and reflections sometimes I'm not sure if its better for it to remain unconscious or if you want to bring it up. It can be quite overwhelming at some times.
Paused for reflection.
Is it weird to admire your own art? I guess if I was a chef or a baker like my sister I would totally admire my work. So yeah, its ok to admire your own work. Plus, the question is always the same, is this your work or you simply a channel? A little bit of both. The vision manifests through you so it can't go in and depart without your essence. Co-creators. Together. All of us. Seen and unseen. How could one truly love until this is understood. How could it be this or that, there is a result, isolation. If we say this or that, someone is isolated and in isolation love does not flow.