Talib Hussain 7/6/24 Talib Hussain 7/6/24

The Seductive Shadow

In depression, I embody my shadow.

The shadow is seductive,

the place where my deepest desires are stored.

A sadness engulfs me,

a desire to bring these parts of myself to light.

Fear freezes me.

Pieces of me cultivated as outcast,

pieces society, religion, loved, and trusted ones deemed as bad, sinful, unworthy.

The longer I wait, the heavier the weight.

It's time to declutter my shadow.

Heaviness.

Carrying the weight of my shadow.

Difficult to move, to breathe.

Walking along and suddenly, the swift energy of the shadow is activated.

It feels like walking through mud after a storm.

Sinking.

It's hard to move at times.

Gifts of intoxication.

Substances provide temporary relief,

an opportunity to act out the tucked-away self within my shadow.

The small window closes once again.

I put away myself and awake once again to my reality,

yearning for the seductive shadow to light me up once again.

Talib Hussain 6/19/24 Talib Hussain 6/19/24

Life is Precious

The cycle of life. Death and birth are constant. It is not a one-time event. To experience it as such leads to suffering. Some cycles are small, others are a little more noticeable, but it is happening often. Think about your day today. All that you did was left behind. It has passed. The suffering arises when we hold onto it. Tomorrow we awake again, newborn, a new day, a new opportunity. What a delight it is to wake up. How blessed, another day to make a little impact on the ones we love, the strangers whom we cross paths with, a smile, a gaze, a nod of acknowledgment. Then there is this earth, a little hello to the trees, walking barefoot in a park, absorbing the energy of her, the one who holds us, the mother from which we were all birthed.

Life is precious.

Talib Hussain 6/15/24 Talib Hussain 6/15/24

Scaffolding for my Emotions

Resilience

Resilience came to mind when reflecting on dating and relationships, inspired by a podcast I listened to yesterday. The speaker suggested dating someone who is my opposite, as seeking someone like myself is egoic. While I can't recall his exact words, the idea stuck with me. Considering the power and potential of opposites, I realized that resilient couples, those together for 10+ years, have an incredible ability to weather life's storms and continually return to each other.

This resilience inspires me. I observe these couples and how they navigate and embrace their imperfections. It's normal to face challenging times. Of course, there's a limit, as seen in my family, and some situations are unhealthy for the couple or their children. But I'm not referring to traumatic relationships. I'm talking about the dance of falling in and out of love, the choice to recommit even when the fuzzy feelings fade.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is another crucial concept. My parents expect us to forgive without an apology or acknowledgment of our childhood experiences and their impact on our adulthood. Can I truly forgive without acknowledgment? I don't think so. Let me emphasize: can I forgive without acknowledgment? I don't think so. I have tried to block out unresolved injuries, but some memories resurface, seeking resolution and release. They cause surface chaos before retreating to safer, hidden places.

Scaffolding

At 47, I've shifted. In recent years, I've built scaffolding for my emotions, allowing them to stay on the surface without causing external chaos, though internal chaos remains. I'm building a relationship with unprocessed experiences from my childhood, teens, and 20s. I've created new spaces for them to breathe and take in light. I, the 47-year-old Talib, support these past versions of myself to heal, live, and eventually integrate.

I'm no longer seeking external resolution or release for emotional wounds. I am the parent, coach, therapist, and healer. There's only so far others and medicines can take me. At some point, I must take hold of the baton and run to the finish line on my own.

Waiting

Maybe she's waiting for me at the finish line. Perhaps I was waiting for her to help me reach it. But it's not her marathon to finish; it's mine. She's whole, having completed her journey, and waiting to run the next one together. Maybe. One can hope, right? To one day journey as a couple, to journey together.

Conclusion

In the end, the journey of resilience, forgiveness, and personal growth is uniquely my own. It's about embracing the storms and finding my way back to love, forgiving even when acknowledgment is absent, and building the internal scaffolding to support my emotional landscapes. At 47, I've learned that true healing comes from within, and while I may hope for someone to share my journey, it's essential to complete my marathon first. The resilience to weather life's challenges, the courage to forgive, and the strength to nurture my past selves pave the way for genuine connection. Maybe, just maybe, at the finish line, I'll find not just someone waiting, but the readiness to journey together, whole and healed.