How Long Has it Been?
Staying small. Thinking small. Caught up in mundane thoughts.
Are you staying in your own shadow? Still don’t want to be seen? Still want to fly under the radar? What would it feel like to live above it?
Is there a connection between the freeze-and-flight response in the search for love and the hesitation in sharing your work? Do both require the same flavour of vulnerability and openness?
Why do I freeze when people see me? When they show genuine love for my work and way of being?
I recoil, uncertain.
Who benefits from staying small? From thinking small? From being caught up in mundane thoughts? What are these mundane thoughts?
Staying in the shadow is tempting; it’s the home of the exiled. But what parts have been exiled? What parts are yearning to rise to the surface, to sip the air of wind, to feel the heat of the sun and the light of the moon?
How long has it been?
It feels like lifetimes.
Conscious Mediocrity - The struggles of asking for what I truly want
Over the past year, I've dedicated myself to understanding what I don't want. I've learned to listen to my heart and soul, trust my intuition, and not feel guilty about saying no. Now, I've realized it's time to learn how to ask for what I want. I'm not entirely sure what this process entails, but I know it will require courage and clear communication.
Initially, I thought I needed a course in communication. However, as I write this, I realize that my challenge isn't in communicating others' needs but in expressing my own. The question is, why? The simple answer is fear of rejection. This explanation might have sufficed a year ago, but I believe there's more to it.
Growing up, my needs were often overshadowed by those of others. When I voiced my desires, I was met with scolding, dismissal, or a flat "no" without explanation. On the rare occasions I did get what I wanted, it took a lot of hard work and emotional turmoil. Can these childhood experiences affect us as adults? I believe they can.
Recently, a friend recommended I listen to an interview between Robert Augustus Masters and Tami Simon on her podcast, "Sounds True: Insights at the Edge," discussing True Masculine Power. Intrigued, I picked up his book, "To Be a Man: A Guide to True Masculine Power." Masters emphasizes connecting the dots between our past and present. He suggests that our default behaviours during difficult times as children often become our go-to actions in similar situations as adults.
We often justify our behaviours by saying, "This is just how I am." Compounding this difficulty, those close to us tend to reinforce these beliefs. However, many of our habits and self-perceptions are shaped by our upbringing, not our innate nature. My struggle to ask for what I want isn't embedded in my DNA; it's the result of my experiences.
I've been afraid to pursue my desires, both big and small. The numerous "no's" I received as a child makes me hesitate to ask for what truly excites me, fearing disappointment. I have no problem asking for something when I can frame it as being in others' best interests. I'm adept at convincing both myself and others that it's beneficial, reducing the risk of rejection. When I do get rejected, it doesn't hurt as much because it wasn't something I deeply wanted anyway. I call this "conscious mediocrity."
It only stings when I ask for something that truly lights me up because expressing what aligns with my heart and soul puts me in my most vulnerable state.
Me and Jonathan Fields in Costa Rica at his Goodlife Project Retreat. This retreat and program elevated my life beyond mediocrity.